The stunning news that the Vanderpump Rules reunion will not in fact be concluding this week as I’d expected but will instead be stretched out into a three-part fiasco of semi-epic proportions sent me into a cataclysmic form of shock from which I might never recover. Do you realize what this means? It means that someone in the position to make key programming decisions at Bravo said aloud, “Let’s devote another hour to people who have no talent other than being blandly provocative!” It means that there will be full segments listed on the production schedule like “Stassi & The Dildo” and “James Likes It When People Suck On His Skinny Bullsh*t Arms.” It also means that I will surely have to one day dig myself a subterranean bunker stocked only with the work of Flannery O’Connor just so I can finally detox myself of the arid memory of these d*cks pontificating about nothing at all by reading about subjects that are less grotesque than the Vanderpumpers – and O’Connor’s work is pretty f*cking grotesque.

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You know what’s so satisfying about a reality television reunion show? It’s the way the participants, who behaved all season long like witless troglodytes experimenting with crack addiction, finally take some responsibility for all of their questionable actions. The accountability they are now so willing to express is likely due to having watched themselves acting like barely evolved human beings – because you too are on crack if you believe these people don’t watch this show every single week – and learning to reconcile that they (at best) have come off as supremely foolish and (at worst) have come off as f*cking imbeciles. Yes, that’s why it was so gratifying as a viewer of this show to bare witness to Kristen standing up and announcing, “Though I am five feet nine inches tall and fabulous, I am also clearly insane! I have blamed other people for all of the problems that have plagued me for my entire life! These patterns of being banned from places and events squarely come back to my own repulsive actions! … Continue reading →