Vanderpump Rules Recap – 4/4/16

On to the reconnection between Scheana and Stassi! It was at Lala’s party that they made amends, when Scheana gazed deeply into Stassi’s dead eyes and could have sworn she saw a mist of regret covering her corneas. But – shockingly – after the season wrapped, Stassi no longer wanted to hang out with Scheana! “That’s so weird!” – declared nobody who has been paying even a bit of attention. But things are on the upswing between them, and I’m sure their newfound closeness has nothing to do with the fact that the reunion was looming ahead of them and Stassi wanted to secure some allies. After all, the girl is not at all calculating! I’m sure she just finally realized that Scheana is a true gem and that she’s so very lucky to have her.

As for why James was fired – one of the many times he was canned – from PUMP, he claims Kristen provoked him with her very presence. “I don’t even want to be in the same state as him,” replies the woman who will undoubtedly bring about the end of civilization due to her horribleness. But when Sandoval asks why she’d then show up at the guy’s workplace instead of hitting up one of the other six zillion bars in Los Angeles, she just rolls her eyes while internally tingling that the guy is looking at her, even if it’s only for an instant and the look is screaming of pure pity.

Ariana gets dragged into the fray next when Andy asks her about the harsh words she had about Kristen’s foray into the world of sketch comedy. I mean, Kristen attempting to pull off behaving like a human lady is a sketch comic piece all on its own, and I’ll agree that Ariana came off as supremely uptight and humorless about the whole thing. But the truth is that Ariana hates Kristen and she has every reason to hate her and Kristen is so disgraceful a person that she has ruined her chances of anyone normal ever choosing to root for her success. That’s a bold statement to make – and I stand by it proudly.

Moving on to more joy, it’s time to revisit the time Katie got so smashed on tequila that she decided to verbally assault her fiancé via text. She’s not proud of her behavior, but she would like Schwartz to figure out a better way to diffuse her burgeoning fury than by yelling at her or disagreeing with her or trying to speak words of sense while the alcohol races like a blind bullet through her bloodstream. Scheana’s figured out a way to deal with Tequila Katie! Just hug her! That kind of human physical contact is something Sober Katie is not all that used to and it works in calming her the f*ck down.

Also: the fact that Ariana doesn’t want to be part of a “groupthink” with this particular group makes me want to start a religion in her honor. We will spend the high holy days gazing at others with a sneer on our faces and we will study old tapes from Second City instead of studying the bible. Obviously, Kristen will be the personified face of the antichrist and we will hold hands and chant once an hour that we never have to encounter her in the flesh. Sign me up! I’m about to be born again!

Okay, now it’s time to revisit the time Jax actually announced out loud – with cameras pointed at his stupid face – that he’s “the number one guy in this group.” I’m laughing already just typing this because what f*cking adult says or thinks such a thing? Well, Jax does. Anyway, he’s sorry about it which means we should add that “whoops” to the list of other things he pretends to feel sh*tty about: lying to every person he’s ever met who has a vagina, stealing sunglasses, sh*tting on camera with the bathroom door open, getting the names of eighteen girls tattooed across his bicep, and existing in the first place.

The next segment is all about the reconciliation of Stassi and Katie that finally occurred in Palm Springs. Katie wanted answers about why she was thrown away like trash by someone who had been her best friend. She wanted to know that Stassi had humility about the situation and that she was truly sorry. And Stassi clearly was sorry – she even shed tears! – and it’s just a coincidence that she was finally able to apologize once the cameras started rolling again.

There seem to be a lot of coincidences on this show, no?

Now let’s revisit the real crazy. Let’s talk about the night Kristen met up with James, the one that ended with them f*cking on the hood of some car. (Please, God, do not let it have been my car!) See, Kristen – she of the marathon therapy sessions that have done sh*t for her sanity – wanted to fix the poor guy. First, this troll-like being can’t be fixed. Second, a lunatic makes a terrible role model. Third, Kristen was dating someone else at the time so this is just another example of her cheating. Fourth, both of these people are so awesomely horrifying that I’m convinced they were placed on this hemisphere to wander around and scare the sh*t out of all of us. I hate these two. I hate them more than I’ve ever hated anyone I’ve met in real life – and I’ve known some world-class assh*les.

Staying with the theme of assh*les, Andy asks Lisa how she felt when Kristen and Stassi both tromped across her beautiful lawn when they showed up uninvited for Katie’s engagement party. I think we’re all supposed to pretend that Lisa Vanderpump, an executive producer of this show, was actually shocked by this turn of events and, to be a sport, I’ll pretend to play along with that kind of idiotic scenario. Anyway, Lisa maintains that she could have kicked them out but it was Katie’s day. Besides, Kristen needed to make a speech and Lala needed to break in and shut her up because nobody else had the balls to try to quiet the crazy lady. But let’s not blame Lala for that – it was a combination of booze and anxiety that made the act of listening to a rambling speech pure f*cking torture. That said, I do not suffer from anxiety and I was stone cold sober and I too just wanted Kristen to shut up. Look! The fun bitch and I have something in common besides nice t*ts!

I think my commonalities with Lala end there, though. I’d never shove the sh*t out of some chick at a party the way Lala did to Kristen, but hey – at least she apologized for it. Kristen, having grown in imaginary leaps and bounds this season, accepts the apology and reminds herself to go home and put more bronzer on her Lala voodoo doll because the real magic will only happen if the doll looks exactly like the real girl.

It wasn’t alcohol that made James behave so atrociously that night. No, he blames his actions on weed, a drug we all know makes people act out violently. Jax has some words of advice here for the only man on that stage who makes him look somewhat decent in comparison. He wants James to know that he needs to be nicer to women and to behave in a more mature fashion and it’s more than good advice, but coming from Jax, all it comes across as is tragic in its irony. Does James take the advice from his elder statesman of douchebaggery? He does not. He knows that the only thing that motivates Jax to hate him is rabid jealousy. That’s right – Jax is so consumed with envy because of James’ undeniable talent and low-cut tank top style and fleeting youth and that’s the root of the issue, not James’ nonsensical behavior. Watching this dumbass speak just caused sixteen of my guests to run fleeing from my party into that dark night. I can’t really blame them and I’d like to publicly apologize right now for stealing their sunglasses earlier in the evening.

I – of course – blame the weed.

And so we have come to a wrap on this season and I think the salty water falling down my cheeks must be huge tears of gratitude that it’s blessedly over. Thank you for joining me on this journey of bland debauchery! I’ll continue to be on Reality Steve’s site with recaps of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I’ll be back for The Real Housewives of Orange County so I can react to Vicki Gunvalson comparing herself to Jesus. I’ll also be recapping Kendra On Top (yes, it’s still on!) for Trash Talk TV starting this week. But in the meantime, can somebody please call the police and send them over to my house? The party ended and Kristen won’t leave.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.