Vanderpump Rules Recap – 11/7/16

November 8th, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

We really can’t blame the Mayans. Back in those stark pre-Google/pre-proper hygiene days, they predicted the world would implode in 2012 and then they chiseled that prophecy on cave walls – or at least I figure they chiseled that sh*t, but I don’t really know for sure since I often cut Social Studies in high school and I think the unit on the Mayans might have been covered on one of the days I chose to go hang out in someone’s basement. Anyway, my point is that they could not possibly have known back then what would go down during forty-eight hours in November of 2016. Had they known, perhaps they would have pushed the expiration date of our universe forward four years. But how could those sweet Mayans even have imagined that there would be two sequential days in late autumn that would singlehandedly illustrate the potential and total collapse of rational society as we know it? How could they have even fathomed that on the second of those days there would be an election held in which a lifelong politician swathed in the scent of corruption would battle it out against a blustering-sexist-racist-non-taxes-releasing-blame-the-media-unless-that-media-is-covered-by-Alex-Jones-xenophobic monster? In what universe that makes any sort of sense would the Mayans have predicted that the race would actually be close? And even if they could have seen all the way into our terribly bleak present, could even the most cynical of all the Mayans ever have guessed that on the evening before this toxic waste dump of an election took place the newest season of Vanderpump Rules would premiere?

I strongly believe that had Mayan caves come equipped with Wi-Fi, those prophetic people might very well have left behind some dire warnings about the imminent and total collapse of civilization as we know it. Perhaps one of the warnings would have been a picture sketched in ash of a bloated politician who spends his nights coming up with hateful names for people on Twitter even as his wife unironically promises that her platform as First Lady will be to fight online bullying. Maybe one of the images would have been of Anthony Weiner’s erection reflected in the screen of his iPhone or a life-size depiction of whatever an email server looks like. It’s hard to presume what the exact visuals lining those cave dwellings would include had the Mayans had access to Fox News, but if those caves got Bravo, I’m quite positive there would have been an intricate drawing that covered the entire ceiling of a cave that depicted Jax walking in on his girlfriend and his dear friend Kristen while they happily went down on one another. And if that vividly horrifying picture alone wasn’t enough to convince the Mayans to beat Jim Jones to the punch and mix their own vat of cyanide-laced Kool-Aid, perhaps they could have collectively rolled a boulder on top of themselves so there would be no possible chance that even one of their distant relatives would ever have to deal with seeing these atrocities in the future.

The naïve side of me (which is currently shriveling up like a rotting prune) almost believed that the cast of Vanderpump Rules could not possibly have grown more loathsome during the hiatus – but that side of me is an idiot because of course these people have devolved in ways normal humans once believed logistically impossible. And we will get to the walking scum that is James and we’ll obviously check in with Lala, Queen of the Fun Bitches, shortly. We will soon have the opportunity to marvel that Katie dresses the way she does while running a style blog and that Stassi came crawling back to this collection of f*cking demons because she needs a camera pointed at her face in order to feel alive. But first we must muff-dive into one of the major storylines of the year, one that involves two of the most hideous examples of humanity ever created by the cruelest of the cosmos as well as a girl who could very well compete for World’s Most Stupid should Hooters ever decide to hold a contest amongst its staff and alumni.

Let me be clear here: I do not have an issue with either bisexuality or with people being gone down on in the slightest. In fact, I am quite a fan of this practice. But when the participants of this alleged incident are Jax, Kristen, and Britanny, I find myself almost shell-shocked. Here are the reasons I’m currently lying in a tight fetal position while chanting safewords and rubbing myself with a crystal – and, for your convenience, I have ranked my reasons in the order that they are most beckoning me to start smoking crack:

1. Jax still exists? So not only does this perspiration machine still exist, but he also still has a job and friends and a girlfriend? After years of getting strippers pregnant and lying to every girlfriend he’s ever had and stealing sunglasses and selling out those he’s supposedly closest to simply so he can momentarily absolve himself of any blame in a situation, this f*cking doofus continues to walk amongst us while being paid for being such a total prick.

2. Using the transitive property, if Kristen was one of the people going down or being gone down upon, we can thereby deduce that Kristen has not yet been contained inside of an asylum. What is wrong with everyone? Why are they allowing this lunatic to roam the streets in rompers? The season hasn’t even started yet and I’m already exhausted just thinking about how little this woman has learned at this point in her life.

3. And now Britanny. Oh, Britanny – you make very questionable choices, don’t you, dear? You chose to commit to a sweaty liar. You chose to leave your entire life in Kentucky behind in order to cohabitate with that liar. Then you willingly joined this show and apparently chose Kristen to hook up with even though a) Kristen has also f*cked your disgusting boyfriend and b) Kristen is an insane person. Listen, I’ve made some pretty flawed choices in the romance department myself, but this is some next level sh*t – and, my friends? It’s still only the first episode.

Where last we left off, Katie and Schwartz were engaged and trying to snag the world record for the longest an engaged couple has ever gone without having sex; Ariana decided she hated pretty much everybody except for her boyfriend, Sandoval; Scheana tried to get her addict of a husband to embrace the notion of only getting a little bit tipsy on very special occasions; James lusted after Lala and then had sex with Kristen on the hood of a car; Jax lied to everyone and about everyone; Stassi compromised any belief any of us ever had in her by deciding infamy was definitely worth associating with assh*les; and Kristen still hates Ariana and wants her dead – even though Kristen is so over Sandoval and her life is amazing and she’s happier than she’s ever been and if you don’t believe that, you can go suck a d*ck.

Tonight a brand new season of this show begins and the only thing that’s abundantly clear is how little has changed. Lisa Vanderpump is still lording over this motley crew like she’s a member of royalty who committed some horrific action at one point in her life and now her penance is that she must only employ narcissists to serve food at her restaurant. Speaking of her illustrious employees, they all seem to be working on the same night at SUR and I’m sure the fact that production was up and running had no reason whatsoever to do with the fact that they were all put on the schedule. Brittany is working at SUR now – because that’ll be healthy for her – and Jax is already feeling totally suffocated by her presence. As for Scheana, she has come to the very important conclusion that Lala is a skanky ho and she never wants to be friends with the girl, but she is close as can be with Katie, Kristen, and Stassi and I’m sure nothing this season will test those bonds of friendship so nobody should worry. Anyway, Scheana and all of her new best friends will be attending the OK Magazine party after work, but before they can make a scene somewhere else, they have to deal with a visit from their boss. Looking regal as always, Lisa Vanderpump saunters onto the premises and stops to greet Lala who has been off doing “a film.” Turns out it’s not porn she was participating in, but Lala’s already mapped out the plot of the pornography she will eventually star in once this show gets cancelled. It’s good to think ahead.

Someone who probably won’t be rooting for Lala’s mainstream movie success is Katie. No, Katie hates that bitch and her oily DJ friend for all but ruining her engagement party last year. Besides, Lala has been talking all kinds of sh*t about Katie and telling anyone who will listen (friends, customers, the head fluffer in charge) that Katie is “a blob,” “boring,” and “fake.” Since Katie doesn’t have the time to suffer fools during the summer of her upcoming wedding – yup, she’s one of those brides – she decides to text Kristen, a friend she apparently deems rational. She wants to let her know that James will be at the same party later. This sort of text has to all but encourage Kristen to do an extra seven shots of whiskey (or paint thinner or whatever she’s got lying around). Meanwhile, Scheana texts Stassi and she looks so excited about the fact that Stassi speaks to her now and that she even returns her texts when she’s really bored and there’s nobody else to talk to.

Now it’s time to check in with Kristen. As I think it will lead me towards good karma to pay her a compliment, allow me to say that Kristen is just as normal as she was last season. Things are f*cking fantastic in her life! She is living with her boyfriend Carter and they’ve been together for ten months and she’s finally in a relationship where she doesn’t have to pay for everything! But even though things are just so amazing, it doesn’t mean she wants to be around James or Lala. F*ck those two! Stassi’s completely on board with supporting the social fatwa against them since Lala has been “a f*cking c*nt” to Katie and Stassi is far too good of a friend to ever watch anyone be mean to the girl she once cut out of her life a few years ago for sport. But that is the past, everybody! Stassi loves Katie again and she’s back on this show fulltime and she’s doing her part to encourage Kristen to simply try to come off as anything but a complete f*cking psycho. Getting her not to wear her fake engagement ring to the party was an excellent start, Stassi! Now get her to stop listening to the screaming chorus of demonic voices in her head and you will have accomplished something spectacular.

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