Back at SUR, Lisa goes over to the DJ booth to chat with James. Seems he’s had a good run recently at not behaving like an assh*le and she would very much like for him to continue that streak. Unfortunately, James is a bit wound up at the moment because his parents are getting a divorce and he’s reacting to it like he’s twelve. Look, I’m not minimizing divorce. I too am a child of divorce, but there is a healthy way to deal with a division within a family and acting like a douchebag on a reality show probably isn’t the healthiest of methods.
Over at one of the bars, it’s time for Jax to inform Sandoval about that recent night when he walked in on Kristen going down on his girlfriend. His reaction was to get angry and storm out of the room in a fury of jealousy. Personally, I’m stunned that he didn’t throw himself on the bed and reach for whichever girl was closer. Maybe this is growth? Maybe we can also forget that I ever said such a thing.
Also: Lisa Vanderpump said the sentence, “Kristen chowing down on Kentucky muffin,” and now it’s official: the sophisticated dulcet tone of her voice can make f*cking anything sound perfect.
The group that’s not stuck working at SUR arrives at the magazine party where they sit at a table and marvel at how Kristen is now in a stable relationship while Stassi is on a rollercoaster with her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and Schwartz is an engaged fellow who cannot seem to get himself properly laid. Everyone else joins them and Jax decides the moment is right to mention to Kristen that he has come to terms with walking into a dark room and seeing Kristen going down on his girlfriend. That said, he wants her to know that he has mentioned the incident to several dozen people (in Jax-speak, that means he told seven hundred people and also posted it on Instagram). This sort of revelation is probably something Kristen should have expected after watching him announce to anyone who would listen that the two of them slept together a bunch of years ago, but Kristen doesn’t really care. So what? She and Brittany had a lot to drink and they exchanged some kisses (on the clitoris) and it’s not weird at all when she sees Brittany! They’re great friends! Brittany, however, does not appreciate that it’s her own boyfriend telling tales about her and she wonders aloud what kind of guy would do such a thing. Um, was that a rhetorical question?
Back at SUR, Ariana and Sandoval get ready for the party in the bathroom together – the closest showing of actual intimacy perhaps ever captured on this show – and Sandoval tells her all about Brittany and Kristen hooking up. “You can’t go to sleep when Kristen’s around,” warns Ariana, but at least the Crazy Kristen moniker can finally be retired once and for all. It’s Cunnilingus Kristen now, bitches! And if you don’t like it you can – say it with me! – go suck a d*ck.
Over at the party, Schwartz remarks that it’s interesting to see Stassi and Jax sitting beside one another without each one of them fingering a weapon. To make their bonding session complete, Jax decides it makes the utmost sense to tell Stassi about Brittany and Kristen. Stassi is pretty stunned by this news, which I guess means Kristen never went down on Stassi in the dead of night, but there’s little time for Stassi to wonder why Kristen wants to munch on every girl besides her because Lala and James just rolled into the place and there very well could be a rumble. Lala reveals that she and James are now best friends and the flirtation that used to be there between them no longer exists ever since the night Lala finally decided the guy had put in the time so she lay back and opened her legs and let him have it. (I’d be somewhat grossed out describing any form of sex in such a crass manner – even between these two – but I’m pretty much just quoting Lala verbatim here.) Anyhoo, everyone hates both of them and the reason why is apparent immediately. These are two people who love three things in life: provoking people, getting attention, and themselves. They waltz right over to the area where the rest of the cast is sitting and they greet them sarcastically and then all but refuse to leave, even as Stassi and her very blonde hair attempt to explain why they are both so loathed. As for Jax, he would very much like to bash James’ f*cking head in, but as he is still on probation for the sunglasses incident, he is unable to make contact at this time. When that probation period ends, I suggest Jax rent a f*cking octagon and pummel this weenie (who I hate more than I even hate Jax), but until that day comes, James and Lala will turn their, um, tweaked energy upon Katie and inquire as to whether or not she is pregnant. This is a cruel line of questioning for several reason. First, Katie does not have sex so how could she be pregnant? Second, calling a woman fat while cameras roll is such an assh*le thing to do. In a sea of scum, Lala and James are the very bottom layer that even the bacteria try to avoid.
Think it can’t get any worse than body shaming a fellow human being on national television? How about the moment James holds a glass against his crotch, pretends to jerk it off, and then jizzes some bright red liquid all over the very group who have repeatedly pleaded with him to leave? Once again, you guys – this is only episode f*cking one.
What’s bothering Katie even more than someone congratulating her for being with child is that Schwartz is not appropriately horrified on her account and volunteering to beat the sh*t out of anyone who messes with her. I see the girl’s point. Loyalty is a big deal and if anyone should be loyal to her, it should be her fiancé. Unfortunately, adorable though he is, Schwartz is also kind of a wuss and he doesn’t like to make waves. Besides, what’s bothering Schwartz these days is not that Katie is being called fat; it’s that she appears to be backsliding. She’s with Stassi all the time and she guzzles drinks and she talks sh*t and she’s taken on even more grudges and he is just not willing to share every single one of them anymore.
In the name of peace, Sandoval and his ponytail sit with James and Lala and asks why they chose to behave so horribly. Why Sandoval is even wasting oxygen on this loser confuses me, but I appreciate that he tells James that his toddler reaction to his parents getting divorced while he’s an adult is ridiculous. Then James bursts into tears and whimpers, “I don’t know how to deal with this,” while across the room, Katie tells Ariana that Lala is currently dating a guy who is married with kids who enjoys long walks on the beach and buying Range Rovers for fun bitches. How did this information come to them? Please. Stassi, in between stringing enormous fake jewels onto chains and mapping out exactly how long she will allow Scheana to be her friend before deciding to make her life hell again, did some sleuthing. The girl is nothing if not multitalented. After hearing this sordid little tale, Ariana sits beside Lala who explains that she walked up to the other table because she thought everything between all of them was just fine. That she immediately called Katie fat was really Katie’s fault! And then Lala begins bawling her eyes out and rushes out of the place because it’s just so hurtful when the people you taunt viciously don’t invite you to sit with them.
The next day, Katie visits Lisa at her grand home so they can discuss Katie becoming Lisa’s assistant. Once the salary negotiations are over, Katie tells Lisa all about the rude comments Lala and James made directly to her face and she makes sure to also drop that James pretended to ejaculate his drink all over them while they were out in public. Lisa is grossed out – as is anyone when they think about James – and she states (once again!) that she is nearing her very last nerve when it comes to the guy.
At their new apartment, Jax sits back and watches as Brittany paints the living room. Everything is going well until Jax brings up the incident between Brittany and Kristen and that’s when she loses it and announces that nothing happened between them and her boyfriend really needs to stop talking about it. “I don’t ever want to hear about it again or I will go insane,” Brittany drawls, and it sounds like she means business, but there is not even the smallest chance in hell that Jax will not bring this event up every hour on the f*cking hour like he is carrying around an egg timer in his pants.
A happier couple (at the moment) is Schwartz and Katie, especially since Katie is currently sober. They’re in their apartment hanging with their new puppy when Stassi and Scheana show up to discuss wedding plans. Stassi has arrived with gifts! She has moved beyond jewelry, you guys, and she is now bedazzling cups! The woman is so versatile. Anyway, she has done some research on “festive cocktails” they should drink while deciding who to ban from the wedding and Kristen comes over too because she smelled alcohol in the air and just followed the scent.
Also: Stassi once sh*t her pants.
Back at SUR, the banished ones continue to talk sh*t about the people who hate them. Here’s a lovely little bon mot from Lala: “I think it’s so cute when Scheana comes up and thinks that anyone gives a f*ck about what she says.” So yeah, there’s some deep-rooted hatred here and back at their apartment, Schwartz watches in alarm as Katie says terrible things about Lala and then nods enthusiastically whenever someone else calls Lala disgusting. He’s watching his fiancé get sucked back into the dark side and it’s making him worry something fierce, but maybe Katie has the right to hate Lala so much since the chick just called her “blobbish” smack dab during the middle of primetime.
Now that she’s heard all the stories, it’s time for Lisa to speak to her simpering idiot of a DJ. I love Lisa Vanderpump – I want to be reincarnated as Lisa Vanderpump – but it’s hard to take her seriously anymore when she talks about firing James because it’s in the best interest of this show that he stay both employed and psychotic. It’s lovely that she attempts to speak some truth into the child’s face, but the woman doesn’t have a prayer because she is fighting against generic evil in a tank top and nothing that vile gets fixed so quickly. Just ask the Mayans.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.