At some point during the night, Brittany approaches her beloved at the bar and tells him that she’s very upset. “Don’t show upsetness,” the brain surgeon recommends before appearing flabbergasted and annoyed that the person she’s upset with is him for spreading this rumor about his own girlfriend. But see, Jax really doesn’t like to hear women complain about his horrible behavior. Hearing that sh*t annoys him. Feelings are so messy so he just tells her to get over it and continues to maintain that he saw that box-munching with his own damn eyes.
In the back room, Lisa is busy creating a giant topiary for the charity event when Brittany walks in. The two sit down and discuss the rumor and how Jax is as well known for his lack of discretion as he is for how much he can sweat in an hour, but Lisa seems to like Brittany and she comforts her and validates every single one of her feelings in the exact way her boyfriend refused to do. “Stay strong,” Lisa advises before asking the question on every sane person’s mind: “Why Kristen?” Brittany again denies all of it and at this point I can’t even care about who to believe because this lubricated love triangle is making me want to shimmy on a chastity belt and wear it until I see proof that Jax is not able to procreate.
Though she slept at Scheana’s to avoid her d*ck of a boyfriend for an evening, Brittany arrives home to find Jax sleeping soundly. “My feelings were hurt, babe,” Brittany explains once Jax reluctantly opens his eyes, to which he answers, “Ugh.” Again, it is so annoying when a woman has a feeling and wants to share it, especially if it’s a sh*tty feeling and he is the cause of it. But Jax will not admit to lying here and he explodes and screams that she is the liar and the only reason he’s talking about it is because he saw it happen. Then he repeats, “Am I crazy?” enough times for him to maybe to score an eventual insanity plea when things ultimately go very very wrong and I have to wonder one more time why any person with a uterus so much as considers this guy as a viable human option in a relationship.
Across town, another joyful couple is spending the morning together. Katie is describing an intricate and elaborate craft project that will serve to ask her bridesmaids to be a part of her special day, but when she and Schwartz start talking about money, things get messy. Schwartz was hoping the entire shindig would cost ten thousand dollars max, but just renting the location will be about eighteen grand. “There’s no turning back now,” singsongs the rental agent on the phone while Schwartz looks like he’s considering how best to slice out his own heart so he can get out of any of this. The next topic up for conversation could lead him into a potential landmine because he thinks the two should sign a pre-nup. Now, I’m all for being pragmatic when it comes to things like finances, but what exactly does Schwartz even have that he’s trying to protect? Isn’t he a sometimes-model who also appears on a reality show? Will he include his collection of adorable glasses under his assets? And is his real reason for doing this because he wants to get legal assurance that his beanie collection will go to Sandoval one day and not his estranged wife?
Now it’s the portion of the show where we head over to James’ apartment. The guy is meditating on the terrace when Lala shows up. It’s a new apartment and I’m sure there is absolutely nothing shady about the fact that James lives there with an older stoner guy and only pays this man very minimal rent so stop being silly and wondering if James is really a live-in escort for a guy with the single worst taste in all of Los Angeles proper. Lala’s there so the two can tackle phase two of taking over the musical world at large, though James is already well on his way. He released the PUMP compilation CD last summer and, I tell you, if I heard it once, I heard it f*cking never because my guess is that the only place that thing is played is inside of PUMP and inside of James’ car, the one I’m sure he didn’t get from his new stoner lover. Lala is ready to make some music, too. She’s got on her artistic-looking scarf and her huge earrings and she sings lyrics about being judged while James congratulates himself for being a total f*cking winner. You guys? I think that punchline will take of itself nicely, but I’m feeling the need here to add that James’ single biggest dream is to play Coachella and that dream alone means that festival just jumped the f*cking shark something major. Somebody please break the terrible news very gently to the Jenners and the sisters Hadid.
It is finally the day of the dog event and there are puppies as far as the eye can see and SUR employees destined to turn the day into some sort of total fiasco. Brittany is attempting to get through the day without beating the sh*t out of her boyfriend, though it seems James is the far looser canon here because it was just the night before when he got into yet another fight at work and ended up in a headlock. Not one bit of it was his fault in the slightest, though! The guy who tried to clobber him was motivated purely by a raging surge of jealousy because, according to the World’s Greatest Musician himself, he’s “young, good looking, and a DJ in Los Angeles.” And finding a DJ or a model in Los Angeles is apparently like finding the holy f*cking grail. Dear God, this idiot could not be any more exhausting if he were actually human.
Lisa is getting really tired of hearing stories about James and his terrible behavior and she once again contemplates having to fire him. I’m worried! How will James pay his roommate that minimal rent if he doesn’t have a job? Hopefully the guy will be fine just getting to stare at James’ face and getting to hear bland music and won’t charge him to live there, though at this point the guy seriously deserves to sleep in a gutter. He’s a really awful person, though I suspect much of it is an act. My guess is he once wrote a paper in some tenth grade English class entitled My Greatest Hero: Spencer Pratt and I think much of his bullsh*t can be boiled down to the fact that this guy wants infamy so badly, he will happily burn what’s left of his humanity just to make more room in his charred soul for the press clipping that detail just how much he sucks. This is a man-child who believes that if you’re talked about, you must be important. This is also a man-child who needs to be pummeled.
The second Stassi and Kristen arrive at the event, they ask where the alcohol is. It’s a dry event, news that appears to stun them, but it’s very sweet to watch everyone show up with their dogs and lavish genuine affection onto them. When Stassi and Kristen approach Lisa, they do so with actual humility, but Lisa is a cheeky one and she makes sure to bring the Brittany rumor up to Kristen directly just to watch the person she cannot stand the most squirm before her. Meanwhile, the greatest DJ of our time closes the event by reminding everyone not to forget to pick up dog poo. Yes, the self-proclaimed White Kanye is doing exactly as well as anyone expected.
After the event, the group gathers back at Kristen’s house and the hostess wastes no time in snarling, “You are an assh*le” at Jax before getting really serious and saying, “Jason! Outside!” Dude, calling Jax “Jason” is like my mom calling me by both my first and my middle name. Even as an adult, I f*cking shake in my boots when she middle-names me, and I think that’s the tone Kristen is trying to set here. Like everyone else with a pulse, she thinks Brittany is the single greatest thing to ever happen to Jax and she wants to verbally pummel him for being such an idiot. Carter joins their little pow-wow on the terrace as Kristen implores him to do the right thing and just admit that he didn’t see anything that drunken evening. “Stop f*cking people over who care about you,” Kristen says almost normally, and Jax pretends to agree that he will from here on out behave like a good person.
Raise your hand if you believe him so I can laugh at you. Then raise your hand if you want to be a part of my new charity that will dole out ass-kickings to the majesty that is James (you know, because we’re all so very jealous of his staggering levels of awesomeness). This philanthropic effort of mine will also seek to provide some of our favorite Vanderpumpers with literature that will nourish their psyches, and while I’m currently torn about whether I should buy Kristen One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest or The Bell Jar, I do know that I’m sending Brittany a copy of It Could Always Be Worse first thing tomorrow because if she thinks Jax has betrayed her now, something tells me she needs to be better prepared for what’s to come.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.