Vanderpump Rules Recap – 12/5/16

We’re already five weeks into this season of Vanderpump Rules and I think we can all agree that watching this show is nothing short of an edifying experience. Sure, it’s possible that you have to view it while being somewhat high in order to suss out all the hidden messages revealed so very subtly by the show’s pretend stars, but as someone who happens to be just a little bit high, I can personally attest to the fact that I have learned a great deal of important life lessons in this last month alone from a group of people who are not just servers, bartenders, and horribly flawed human beings; they are teachers, too, dammit.

In no particular order of importance (because every last one of these lessons is as essential as a f*cking proverb), here is what I have internalized in only thirty days’ time:

• While I have been a bridesmaid several times, I very clearly now realize that not one of those brides ever truly cared about me. Never once was I asked to be in a wedding party courtesy of some inflatable craft project! And don’t even get me started about the way my “dear” friends didn’t even consider shoving protein up their coochies before serving it to me as part of a meal. What, I ask, were all of my years of loyalty even for?

• When it comes to power rankings, things have shifted seismically. It used to be that Presidents of Production and CAA agents and venture capitalists once ran things around Los Angeles, but times have changed. These days, nothing has more clout than being a DJ in a mediocre restaurant. Also, simply holding earphones against your scalp means you’re a rock star. (Important caveat to consider here: In order to buy this theory, you must be a f*cking moron.)

• Don’t worry if your controlling and blatantly judgmental behavior once caused your entire gaggle of friends to slice you out of their lives like you were a walking melanoma. Not only will your banishment not last forever, but once you scuttle and slither your way back in, you will eventually get to dictate who is allowed to remain in the group! (Important caveat #2: Such a rule can only be put into effect if your entire group of friends still behaves like the kind of middle school girls MTV would happily create a show around.)

• When you’re out at a bar and you want to get – and keep – a man’s attention, start quoting lines from Caddyshack. (I realize this little suggestion has nothing whatsoever to do with Vanderpump Rules, but as it does fall under the umbrella of important life lessons I’ve learned since this season began, I’ve decided it counts.) Anyway, if the guy in front of you is sort of cute, feel free to mention something about gophers and it’s almost a guarantee that he’ll lean in. But if the guy is full of scruff and hot as balls and you’ve already swallowed some vodka that was served to you in a science beaker instead of a regular glass, just own it and tell him, “It’s in the hole.” (You’re welcome in advance for the breakfast you will not have to pay for the following morning.)

• Back to what we have learned about life from the Vanderpumpers: Camouflage is very important when you feel exposed and that’s probably why every single time Lala makes yet another enemy, she reacts by piling on even more makeup. I mean, you can practically chisel into her skin by now. If she ever fully loses James, my guess is the chick will start wearing prosthetic noses and chins.

• Kristen can appear relatively sane so long as she’s sitting beside a bride positively riddled with rage issues, potential alcoholism, a completely petrified fiancé, and a very tragic nose ring. In fact, Kristen should probably only go places with Katie from this point forward because she’s looking almost lucid in comparison.

• There’s an excellent chance that if you announce early in the season that you and your newly-sober husband are happier than ever and that you arrived together at a party by riding a unicorn over a rainbow of bliss, you will also probably be announcing your divorce before even half the episodes of the season have aired. This, you see, is the reality TV equivalent of Chekhov’s theory about waving around a gun around in Act I. Just like that gun’s bound to go off before the final curtain descends, the marriage in question is bound to implode sooner rather than later – and we all knew it would happen, even before Scheana gave TMZ an exclusive quote.

I have no doubt that clips from this week’s show will be eventually used as visual aids in a post-apocalyptic society to illustrate new trends in acceptable human behavior – and maybe a few will be shown during Jax’s inevitable murder trial where he will be charged with beating James to a bloody stump out of pure envy. In any case, it’s time to see what new lessons will be presented now that James has been fired, Lala has been revealed as a hooker who drives a Range Rover that runs entirely on the semen from the one c*ck she sucks, and Katie, Stassi, and Kristen have outwardly decreed who Scheana is and is not permitted to speak with. My God, think of all we can learn!

I realize the big story of this season is meant to be the conflicted upcoming nuptials of Katie and Schwartz, but I’m finding it hard to completely invest in this plotline. First off, we have all seen the coming attractions that show them getting married. (I’d comment on Katie’s bridal getup, but I haven’t yet built up the strength for that one.) The will-they-or-won’t-they is not much of a factor when we know they will. I suppose what we’re really meant to focus on is how terrified Schwartz is of his fiancé, but since the guy is in fact so terrified of her, there’s not a shot in the bowels of hell (James DJs there on Tuesday nights!) that he will ever find the strength to put a stop to any of it. I guess we can pass the time by guessing how many ulcers Schwartz will develop before Katie walks down the aisle towards him like a nose-ring-rocking omen, though. I say three! Who wants to counter?

This week’s episode begins with the carrier of those eventual stomach maladies arriving in Lake Tahoe to check out the wedding venue with his beloved. “You get this for the rest of your life,” Katie tells him referring to herself while they wait at the airport for a car, and I really hope someone else’s first response to hearing her say that was to think how very much it sounded like a threat. See, if I’m the only one with that reaction, I’ll kind of feel mean. In any case, the location for the wedding is the Twenty Mile House and it’s rustic and pretty and there’s probably someone on or near the premises who makes good s’mores. Besides a person one actually wants to marry, that’s really all one needs for a successful wedding. Schwartz is hoping to keep the budget for the day somewhere in the ten to fifteen thousand dollar range. Schwartz, honey? The lithium alone that must be administered to half your guests every hour on the f*cking hour will eat up more than half of that budget and it’s time you just accept such a thing. Schwartz and Katie plan to get married in the depths of the forest so they meet up with the wedding planner beside a clearing. This lady is the type to hug her clients when she meets them. She’s also the type who looks like she wants to clutch the branches of the nearest tree for support when Katie informs her that she is not interested in a woodsy tablescape for her big day so that hunk of wood holding the decanter has got to go. At some point, the group sits down so Katie and Schwartz can communicate just how in love they are, but all that really comes through is how annoyed Schwartz makes Katie and how Katie causes Schwartz to pee just a little bit every single time she looks at him without a smile on her face – which is always.

Far away from those woods and the most miserable couple so far this season, Sandoval and Ariana arrive at the gym. As Ariana stretches, Sandoval tells her how good her ass looks and this right here might be a duo that’ll last. (Their best bet at lasting would obviously require that they haul themselves off this show but quick, but I don’t think such a thing will happen for a few more seasons yet.) Sandoval has covered his hair so he can jump rope without interference and I just jumped rope myself the other day and everything seems to be falling into some sort of peaceful place – and that’s when James walks in. Yes, mother*cking James and his mother*cking tank top were scheduled by production to stop by during this particular mother*cking workout and I swear that I’d rather be back in the woods with a couple who is so set on getting married that they’re willing to overlook how much they can’t stand each other. Alas, in the gym we must stay and Sandoval inquires as to what happened the last time James got in trouble. Upon hearing he was fired for acting like a drunk idiot for the six zillionth time, Ariana and Sandoval are weirdly stunned. Sandoval – and his eyeliner – both think it’s ridiculous that James would possibly be canned over drinking at work, fighting with Jax, and then confronting the boss on the street before the boss’ geriatric husband threatened to knock his “spark” out. I’m not quite sure any of Sandoval’s logic makes sense here, so I’m just going to ignore it. Anyway, it turns out that James is trying to be somewhat honest with his pageant girlfriend so he told Raquel that he was fired because some lunatic girl made false claims they’d hooked up and it started a fight for which he was barely responsible. Listening to James claim that he never hooked up with that girl GG is like listening to a toddler covered in chocolate swear he didn’t even touch the layer cake on the counter. Oh, and watching James lift weights while discussing the merits of a shower jerkoff might have just left me sterile.

Over at SUR, Lala is wearing leather shorts so tiny that they have to be a violation of the Health Code because I’m pretty sure most customers don’t want to see the edge of a clitoris while they feast on fried goat cheese balls. The Board of Health isn’t around today to bust her, but Lisa is and Lala takes Lisa aside to admire her new Rolls Royce and once again insist that her boyfriend is not married. Lala lies just as convincingly as James does so Lisa doesn’t believe her and calls her out on it, to which Lala responds, “I am not dating a married human.” My friends, such a statement causes me to have so many follow-up questions (Is he a married marsupial? is first on that list), but what Lala is willing to admit is that the man she’s dating spoils her rotten – but don’t worry, I’m sure she also loves him for the person he is and not just all the sh*t he brings her.

Since he’s got a wedding in a forest to pay for, Schwartz shows up for his latest modeling job where he poses in underwear and holds a football and jiggles his scrotum because he is a model who commits to a moment. It makes me a little uncomfortable to watch him pad his balls because it’s already been made so abundantly clear that his real balls are now the size of rotten raisins, but he looks cute in the pictures and he’s got good hair and he doesn’t sweat nearly as much as Jax does, so I can’t help but be a Schwartz fan.