Vanderpump Rules Recap – 12/12/16

December 13th, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

I was talking with some guy I know a few days ago and since we can’t possibly spend all our time disagreeing over whether or not Donald Trump is a demonic entity created by scientists strung out on PCP in a frigid laboratory in the wilds of Siberia who were tasked with birthing something that would one day bring about the total extermination of civilized society, we eventually moved on to the topic of Vanderpump Rules. (For the record, I think my Siberian laboratory theory makes quite a bit of sense. It certainly makes more sense than a president-elect waving away intelligence briefings because he’s decided that he’s already smart.) Anyway, the gist of the conversation I had with this person was about how long Vanderpump Rules could possibly stay on the air with this particular cast and I laughed hard when he asked me this question and then replied that I was relatively certain the only way some of these people would ever leave this show would be in a straightjacket or in a body bag.

I get what he’s saying, though. I understand when he wonders aloud about how many more lies about d*ck-sucking Lala can possibly tell and how many more pairs of sunglasses Jax can potentially steal and how many more ways James can act like a half-witted troglodyte who’s been stricken with scurvy. Surely, this guy posited to me, viewers will eventually stop tuning in to watch the same idiots doing the same idiotic things – and, he added, wouldn’t this cast want to walk away from this reality television purgatory at some point? It was that last question I spent some time considering, even before I saw a link to an interview some very brave person did with Kristen in which she revealed how she would love to be on this show for at least five more years. Stop and think about that for a second. Kristen has already been on this show for five seasons and she’d like to go ahead and double that time and she seems to have absolutely no hesitation about remaining on a program that has already gleefully captured her doing the following:

• Admitting she slept with Jax (Sandoval’s best friend) while her boyfriend (that would be Sandoval) slumbered peacefully in the next room, totally unaware that his best friend and his girlfriend were boning on the couch. Oh, and Jax was Stassi’s boyfriend at the time – and Stassi was one of Kristen’s dearest friends.
• Upon finally coming clean with Stassi that she indeed nailed her boyfriend – the same awesome guy who screamed “You came three times!” at her while they all stood in a crowded bar – Kristen got backhanded hard across the face in public and on camera. At least Stassi’s a necklace kind of girl. Had she been wearing statement rings, Kristen would’ve been sliced in three.
• Once Sandoval finally harnessed the good judgment that allowed him to cut the bonkers-crazy woman from his life, he chose to move on with Ariana. Did Kristen accept his choice with anything resembling dignity? No, my friends, Kristen is allergic to dignity because someone once told her it has gluten in it so she instead all but drew maps showing the exact location of where she would eventually bury Ariana’s body. She begged to go on vacations with people who hate her. She flew in some random chick from Miami who claimed she hooked up with Sandoval while he was in a relationship with Ariana and then she brought the girl into SUR and sat back to watch the carnage she so jubilantly created. She probably slept atop a pillowcase that was covered with some of Sandoval’s petrified semen. She showed up at her old apartment where Sandoval still lives to “pick up her mail” while outfitted in some plunging halter dress that was the color of emerald green desperation.
• Not having inflicted nearly enough harm upon society with her own bullsh*t machinations, she then brought James into our lives because the lunatic living near her cerebral cortex once whispered late at night that nothing says “perfect rebound guy” like some scrawny loser who tells himself hourly how special he is because he knows deep down nobody else will ever say it to him for as long as he lives.
• She f*cked James on the hood of a car after he called her a whore and spit a gigantic ball of phlegm on her front door.
• She finally got herself fired from SUR after recommending that one of her managers go suck a d*ck.
• She apparently keeps a fake engagement ring in one of her dresser drawers at all times.

Can you even imagine what the next five years will involve? (Just so we’re clear, anyone who has their money on a séance that ends with rivulets of blood dribbling out of Ariana’s eyes while a raven wearing a romper crawls out of a cauldron and nestles itself against Kristen’s bony shoulder needs to get in line. I made the call first, mother*cker.)

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