As they recline on the beach, Kristen announces that she is in the perfect relationship, which I think means she only checks his email, Twitter, Instagram, and Uber receipts every three hours. Still, though there’s probably not a real chance in hell that anybody like Kristen will ever have a truly normal relationship, this is still a hard thing for Stassi to hear because she’s single these days and – just in case you haven’t heard – it’s also her birthday. Does Kristen care about how Stassi feels? Well, let’s just say these are the kinds of friends who playfully rib one another about how one has a fake engagement ring she trots out every so often to appear desirable to the general public and the person who actually bought herself that fake ring responds by telling her dear friend, “You don’t even have a boyfriend so shut the f*ck up.” Relationship goals, am I right?
Back in Los Angeles, James and his horn rim glasses appear as through from a waking nightmare. The guy is two weeks sober and has been eating a lot of ice cream and he’s meeting up with some guy named Arthur who doesn’t mind being identified on national television as James Kennedy’s Friend and that sort of means I can’t really respect Arthur. That said, Arthur used to work at PUMP and he’s trying to convince James that he is a “grown-ass man” and while it would probably be easier to convince certain Breibart writers that the earth is flat, I give Arthur credit for attempting to reason with a monster. “What is underneath all of that?” Arthur asks, referring to the mountains of bullsh*t James has carted around and molded into carvings of his chin-ass for so many years. James’ response is that he behaves like a cruel douchebag because of the devastation that is ravaging his insides because his parents are getting a divorce. I feel bad – okay, I don’t even a teensy bit – that I laughed out loud when James declared his sadness over the divorce makes him crave whiskey. Look, it’s not that divorce doesn’t suck massive stringy balls and it’s not as though a broken family will ever be what it once was, but dude, you are an adult and you do not even live with your parents and I’m willing to wager you have been a piece of sh*t your entire life, even while your parents ate dinner together at the same table. In other words, I’ve got no patience for such total nonsense so maybe blame something else for the person you are.
On their first night in Sonoma, Ariana and Brittany get trashed in the RV while the guys sit outside beside a mini grill and cook some hotdogs as Sandoval shares that he keeps trying to have sex with his girlfriend, but she hasn’t been into it. He keeps trying to go down on her, Ariana complains – and to this I ask Ariana to please have her boyfriend give me a call. Back outside, Sandoval declares loudly that jerking off is his only option these days and Jax jumps into the fray to reveal that he is the sole problem in his relationship with Brittany and he just knows he’s going to f*ck things up with her because f*cking things up royally is just the sort of thing Jax does. (We also get some information that Jax not only has a foot fetish, but he prefers sweaty feet, and I’d talk a bit more about that but I’m currently breathing hard into a paper bag.)
While Ariana pours tequila down her throat and laughs alongside another girl she actually likes and values, Stassi, Katie, Kristen, and Scheana head out to dinner in Montauk. After doing some shots and shaming Scheana for not finishing hers, some guy named Matt wanders over to the table after signing a release and tries with all his might to be suave, but he doesn’t completely pull it off so the girls turn their attention to the bartender, a fellow wearing a fedora named Laertes. “Isn’t that like a God?” Stassi asks – but let’s not blame her because she was very busy ruining other girls’ lives in high school and never got to finish Hamlet.
Away from all the revelry, Lisa runs into James in the back room of SUR because she hasn’t yet figured out how to get her son to stop being friends with him and he keeps showing up everywhere. But now that he’s right there in front of her, Lisa inquires if he knows where Lala is, but the only thing James knows is that he thought Lala was in Sonoma and, if she’s not, it’s probably because the secret guy she’s sleeping with is controlling and she’s afraid to make the wrong step around him because what if he takes away her Range Rover? These are very real problems.
At some point during their extremely awesome vacation, Katie makes sure to call her fiancé to say hello and to also remind everyone in Sonoma that Lala sucks. The conversation between the two is sweet as can be and you just know a huge piece of Schwartz is wondering if maybe he can convince Katie to have a bi-coastal marriage because they just seem to get along a whole lot better when they aren’t in the same time zone.
Also: I make fun of him sometimes because it’s so very easy to do, but I have to say that what Sandoval says to Ariana while they lie in an RV bed is really sweet and there sort of is nothing better than the man you care about making it a point to be by your side on your birthday. Now, I’m not sure Ariana will remember having this conversation, but should it come back to her in fragments, I think she will appreciate it. I’m rooting for these two.
And now it’s time for the annual tradition of skinny-dipping on Stassi’s birthday, but Scheana is ready to throw a wrench into the plans because she doesn’t feel like running at full speed into freezing cold water while naked and holding the hands of three girls who only like her sometimes. She offers to video the wondrous experience, but she won’t get on board with The Friendship Rules According to Stassi – the ones enforced by a manic lieutenant named Kristen – so she waits on a ledge while the others run into the ocean because Stassi told them they have to or they can’t sit with her at lunch tomorrow.
Oh, and next week seems to be the time when Lala quits SUR and this show and goes off into the sunset where fun bitches drive free luxury vehicles. For those of you who feel like you might end up missing her, I’m guessing she’ll be available to rent by the hour in a few years – so hang tight because you will definitely see her again.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.