On the night of Stassi’s birth, all of the angels in the heavens gathered together every bit of sweetness and light they could find in the universe to form one perfect little girl – but then she left and we got Stassi. And tonight Stassi is multitasking like a champ, proving herself able to simultaneously pack a suitcase while plotting the destruction of whichever person’s name she picked out of a hat this week. Listen, I get why she hates Lala. They have zero history together, Lala has been nasty to Katie, and – while all of these people are somewhat shady – Lala’s shadiness is so massive that you can’t actually make out colors when you’re in her presence. (I feel terrible saying such mean things about Lala, but I think we’ll work it out after she offers to finger me.) Still, while I understand Stassi’s raging animosity in that scenario, I can’t quite get behind her burgeoning hatred towards Scheana. Her immaturity has finally done the impossible: it’s made me like Scheana – and now I’m concerned about what could happen next. Allow me just to say this: if something transpires on this episode that causes me to type the sentence, “James is terribly misunderstood and he’s the finest artist of this or any other time,” I will have to stop recapping this show altogether because I will have blown up my television set.
As for my current willingness to embrace a girl who was once the other woman in an affair and a bride who wore a crop top to her own wedding, well, for that I fully blame Stassi and Katie. See, last week Scheana got reamed out by a coven of regression-fueled monsters, and one of those monsters (that would be the blonde one with the really big necklace) would like us to know that faulty editing is really to blame for how histrionic and sophomoric she appeared. I don’t follow any Vanderpumper on Twitter or Instagram, but I did click on some article about Stassi’s reaction to the episode. The crux of it was that she first decided a team of editors was responsible for how she was portrayed and then she announced she felt “suicidal” because of the hate coming her way after she willfully cried on a bathroom floor while knowingly being filmed before screaming, “Stop being an assh*le!” into the face of someone who was emphatically not being an assh*le. But karma is a funny thing because then the actual assh*le in the situation had to deal with people tweeting that she’s a gigantic gaping assh*le and I guess that really hurt the asshole’s feelings. Good thing she’ll surely redeem herself by completely overhauling her behavior tonight, right?
On second thought, the week of her Birthday Extravaganza is probably the last possible time Stassi would choose to embrace a brand new quality like self-awareness. And now Scheana must decide if she’s willing to fly cross-country with three people who systematically berate her for something that never happened. I suppose it’s a hard decision. Should she shove down her flaming animosity and celebrate the birth of someone who loathes her or should she avoid this misery-with-a-time-zone-shift altogether? Well, look at that: it’s not such a complicated decision after all!
If this happened to be a show about normal people, I’d believe that last week’s televised travesty would be enough for a few of the participants to cut Stassi, Katie, and Jax from their lives forever. I’m not saying someone like Kristen would make such a choice – she’s barely lucid and it’s not like anyone else is lining up to one day visit her in the asylum – but Scheana should realize that Stassi and Katie have friendship standards that are impossible to meet, as is evidenced by the way they’ve frequently turned on each other. As for Jax, his revolting willingness to compromise any sort of loyalty just so he can either be momentarily liked or forgiven for one of his transgressions is the sort of character trait that is probably permanent at this point. None of these people is changing anytime soon and, nasty tweets from the general public aside, being on this show only validates their typically awful behavior. They get attention for acting like d*cks. They get paid for it. This show is not serving as a learning experience for any of them; this show is simply a springboard to four more reality shows where they’ll fight with even more people.
But on the reality show they’re currently making fools of themselves on, it’s time to celebrate the annual national holiday that is Stassi’s Birthday. I, too, am shocked mail is not suspended on such an important day, but what doesn’t shock me in the least is how the show doesn’t get into the Stassi/Scheana thing right away and instead tosses us into an apartment with Schwartz, Katie, and Katie’s mother and grandmother as they all sit around and fold commemorative wedding towels that I think are serving as invitations. Those hideous things cost more than eighteen bucks a towel so Schwartz is already slowly going comatose and that’s when Stassi and Kristen walk in and they’re clutching wine glasses in their paws before they even sit down. Even as they are engaged in the solemn practice of folding wedding towels into symmetrical rectangles, they still find the strength to talk about how crazy it is that they have now racked up seven separate sources that confirm Lala procured her Range Rover by giving mammoth amounts of head. I’m not quite sure why this is still news, but the evident delight on their faces as they spout sh*t about this girl on camera is causing me to mildly shudder. Anyway, the talk eventually moves on to the plans for Stassi’s Birthday in Montauk, a faraway place Kristen has never heard of, and how they should all pack nautical-themed attire so that everyone who frequents Montauk will be able to recognize in a millisecond that these people have never stepped foot on those beaches in their lives. Once the clothing has been decided upon, Stassi tells everyone including Katie’s grandmother that Scheana is still being a huge assh*le, but if she doesn’t show up for Her Birthday, that choice will impact everyone in the entire hemisphere. Again, it’s the glee in Stassi’s eyes as she considers that Scheana might soon be banished that’s just f*cking gross, as is the way she casually tosses in that maybe Katie doesn’t even want Scheana to be a bridesmaid anymore, not since she has been exhibiting the “opposite of bridesmaid behavior.”
A grown woman actually said this.