Back at Sur, Lala still hasn’t made an appearance. Katie is there, though. She’s in the back telling Scheana that everything is great again in her relationship and Scheana finally suggests that since they only fight when they’re hammered, maybe they should consider not registering for a funnel. Once she’s got that recommendation out of the way, Scheana tells Katie that she’s received nasty texts from Kristen about the money for the shower. Now, etiquette dictates that you don’t really complain to the bride about how much her wedding is costing you. The polite thing to do is create a papier-mâché version of the bride’s head and then smash it with a mallet in the privacy of your own voodoo room. What I’m trying to say is that Scheana probably shouldn’t have told Katie any of that, but I have zero issue with her bringing up the idiocy surrounding Kristen’s second round of asinine texts. The crux of those texts were complaints that Scheana was talking to Ariana, a girl Kristen still hates in spite of the fact that she swears she is currently the single happiest girl in all the land. (Seriously, there was a contest held at a local asylum and she won!) Upon hearing that Kristen – a girl Katie once cut from her own life – is being spoken of poorly, Katie turns away and mumbles, “Good talk.” Let me just say this: perhaps there’s way more to Katie than what has been captured on television. Perhaps she’s hilariously funny and so f*cking interesting that you wish there were ten of her. Maybe she’s actually the queen of scintillating conversations – but let’s be honest and agree that not a single one of those qualities has ever made it on the air. I don’t get the tiptoeing around Katie or the quiet worship of her. I find her surly and judgmental and, while I don’t care too much about Scheana, I hope that girl gnaws her way loose and one day becomes friends with people known for their decency instead of a collective psychosis.
Since this is an episode filled with parties, it’s now time to celebrate Jax’s birthday! He heads out to dinner with Brittany and her mom and his goal here is to prepare Brittany’s mother for his upcoming roast by letting her know that he’s done some terrible things throughout the course of his life and that his good friends will probably bring every single one of those things up…in jest…while onstage…with cameras pointed at them…while they all wear microphones. Why someone like Jax would even agree to be the subject of a roast is beyond me, but I guess nobody’s ever declared the guy a brain surgeon. Wait – has anyone officially declared him a homosapien?
Also: Jax cheated on his ACTs because he was worried he wouldn’t get a modeling scholarship to Stanford if his scores were low.
This entire group is taking the roast very seriously. Sandoval meets up with Scheana and Shay so they can all work on crafting whatever insults they’ll hurl at the event and part of Scheana’s speech includes bringing up how Jax slept with Kristen. Sandoval wants to make sure to mention the two t*t jobs Jax has commissioned so far this year. And now that they’re done talking about one friend, they all move on to a new subject and bandy about the theory that Katie has a drinking problem and whether or not they should mention their concerns to a girl who defines herself as constantly agitated. Scheana, woman – are you mad? Just imagine the texts you’ll get in the dead of night from Kristen after you confront Katie about a minor thing like being an alcoholic! Someone please check to see if Schwartz’s shelter has an extra bed.
As for the alleged alcoholic in question, her newest plan to combat the rage everyone complains about – the one that sets in after she mainlines tequila – is not to stop drinking, but instead procure for herself a medical marijuana card. She hopes the weed will quell her anger more quickly than therapy, so she shows up with Stassi, a girl who never ever gets enraged. In between choosing weed that she hopes will make her less awful a person, Katie informs Stassi about what Scheana said the other night about the money needed for the shower and Stassi decides right here and now that this comment absolutely proves that Scheana was raised by feral creatures in the wilderness. Oh, and that slight anger Stassi used to feel towards Scheana? That anger has ballooned into rage. Really, Stassi? You’re enraged? What the f*ck else is new?
Across town, Kristen is taking her role as roastmaster very seriously. She is, after all, the premiere voice in comedy, but nobody in the room is laughing when Brittany gets a text telling her that someone will be bringing up the Brittany/Kristen box-munching rumor – the one Jax started. Since her mother will be there later and might end up feeling embarrassed when she hears tales about her daughter’s clitoris, Brittany asks Kristen to explain the rumor to her now. “That’s not cool,” Brittany’s mother responds. “I don’t want any rumors brought up about my daughter.” Brittany’s mom has seen this show, right? Does she not realize the entire series is basically a heavily edited and televised rumor about her daughter? And at this point, can she really pretend to be surprised that her kid is cohabiting with a sleezeball? That last question was not rhetorical.
And now it’s time for the roast and the same ten people who always show up on this series show up once again. Jax is already sweating something fierce when Kristen gets up to playfully rib him. She’s not working too hard, though; she’s saving her best sh*t for her introduction of Ariana. See, since Kristen is soooo over Sandoval, she decides to illustrate her staggering personal growth by reminding everyone that she used to be with him before Ariana stole him away. That’s right, she seems to be thinking. Suck it, Ariana! And by the way, everyone hates you! But here’s the thing about Kristen: she’ll crumble in about four seconds if anyone says anything vaguely cruel or truthful back to her and the look she gives Ariana after Ariana wipes the floor with Kristen’s damaged psyche is going to be my new screensaver.
Ariana launches into tales about Jax shoplifting and knocking up a stranger in Vegas. Katie’s up next and she basically announces that Jax is a douchebag who tried to demolish her relationship. Scheana gets onstage and proclaims that Jax has slept with a lot of women and has their names tattooed across his body to prove it. Shay rises from his seat and tells Jax he’s fat. The problem here is that nothing anyone is saying is really a joke. What we’re listening to is a catalogue of Jax’s revolting actions and decisions followed by a bad-dum-pum hit of some drums. And then Sandoval gets up and the guy appears to have committed to white suits because if he can’t be the star of a bartending video, he will singlehandedly bring about a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Anyway, he brings up the rumor about Brittany and Kristen hooking up and then it’s Brittany’s turn. This is one lucky girl. She gets to go home with a cheating-kleptomaniac-tattoo-happy-sociopath! Brittany, honey? Let me just be clear here: if it turns out that you’re the one living inside that bunker and talking only to cattle, I’m going to suggest you stay there because it means you got out! You walked away from a perspiring douchebag who just had his second boob job! You have won and I celebrate you and I shall even hand over the money I raised so you can buy yourself a brand new hymen and make it like Jax (and Kristen) never existed. And that, my friends, is my version of charity.
When Schwartz gets up to roast his dear idiot friend, his entire speech is about how Jax used to hook up with men back when he lived in Miami. Jax denies every bit of the story and I’m very sad to inform him that he is failing miserably as a sociopath. A legitimate sociopath lies with way more flair. Trust me.
But now Jax has to climb out of his makeshift throne and sit down with Brittany’s mother so he can swear that he never sucked d*ck in exchange for free rent. (And he thought the conversation about why he didn’t attend church was tough!) What’s odd here is that Brittany’s mother should have a lot of concerns. Every person in that room told long and detailed tales of Jax cheating on every girl he’s ever met. They spoke of the times he went to jail. Brittany is now hauling around a pair of enormous t*ts she probably never needed. And with all this abject horror now out in the open, it’s rather baffling to realize that what Brittany’s mother is most horrified about are the stories of homosexuality. Motherf*ck, it’s hard to say this, but I agree with Jax when he acknowledges just how screwed up a mentality that is to have. It’s just been revealed that he’s a liar and a cheat and he has a hard time walking into any room and not stealing something! How is it even possible that Brittany’s mother is hung up on the notion that he used to make out with men? All she should really ask here is whether or not he cheated on those guys, too.
And now yet another conflict exists on this show and this one’s between Jax and some mom from Kentucky. This one could get ugly and suddenly that bunker doesn’t seem like the very worst place to be, especially if “canned goods” happens to include Pringles.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.