Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/23/17

January 24th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

I’ve been thinking a great deal about divisiveness these days because, really, how can you not? We’ve probably never existed in a society in which people were fully tolerant of the views held by those who believed the emphatic opposite, but I think I managed for a while to convince myself that we did. Call it what you will – naiveté, stupidity, a New York mentality – but even the willfully blind have to eventually wake up and realize that the lines we’ve drawn are really deep now, the sentiments really complicated. It might be impossible at this point to convince people to believe in something they don’t already believe.

If you happen to be that one lone human being who has not recently engaged in a bit of existential terror due to the separations that now define us, I want to know where you are currently hiding so I can get you the money I’m raising on my brand new GoFundMe page. I imagine you must be residing in some sort of bunker and you do not have a television and you have never heard of this little thing called “social media” and all of your closest friends are livestock who rarely roar with laughter, not even when they hear from some sheep down the street that an advisor to the President went on national television where everyone could see her and used the term “alternative facts” instead of the words “bold f*cking lies.” Part of me truly envies the person out there who is completely uninterested in the chasms defining this moment in history. More of me wonders how such a bland mindset can exist and, to that end, the funds I raise will net you a laptop that only grants access to two websites. Yes, you will be able to wile away the houses in your bunker by reading everything on Breitbart and The Huffington Post. Immerse yourself in total journalistic bias, my agoraphobic friend, and then decide what it is that you believe and whether or not continuing to remain in that bunker makes sense. And if you have some extra room, a shower with decent water pressure, and a nice selection of canned goods, perhaps I can join you when the frogs inevitably come tumbling down from the sky.

But even if you spend your days attempting to ignore the rising flames of political and social chaos, chances are – unless you’re that one guy who only speaks to cattle – you still watch television, a venue where chaos reigns. Take The Bachelor. On this season’s installment, a bazillion women are ready to gouge out the eyes of whichever woman some guy named Nick decides to feel up first. To be clear, these “contestants” met Nick less than a week ago and they are already declaring to the heavens that he would make the perfect husband. They’ve also convinced themselves that they can tell far more about a person by his ability to do a mid-air split in a bouncy house than by the way he deals with – oh, I don’t know – bills that come in when he doesn’t have the money to pay them. Bouncy houses aren’t metaphors for real life, people. Neither is rappelling off a tall building or diving Botox-first into the ocean. It’s not just The Bachelor, though, that’s a breeding ground for dysfunction and conflict. Look at our Vanderpump Rules gang and you will see conflicts as far as the bile can be spewed.

Okay, here’s my take on the Lala situation: the girl played her hand all wrong. I would actually support someone leaving this show because she began to wonder about the long-term effects of coexisting on television with monsters. I would applaud a woman who reached her “Eureka!” moment and threw down her microphone and walked away from the sort of contrived scenarios that can only breed mold and hatred. But I cannot care about or root for Lala, a girl who went on TV and told ridiculous lies and then got annoyed when people didn’t believe those lies. I can’t wish the best for someone who croaked out clichés like, “There’s no shame in my game,” and then lied about what the game was and who the players were before going ahead and swallowing the dice because she’s just really used to swallowing things. Lala is a “TWERKIN’ FOR A BIRKIN” tee come to life and I will not miss her in the least when she finally crawls away.

Much of this season appears to revolve around the upcoming marriage of people who don’t really seem to want to be married to one another. Listen, every relationship has its problems, but I’m actually worried about the union between two people when one of them is legitimately terrified of the other one. I’m not a religious girl, but I pray for Schwartz biweekly.

She’s been relatively sane this season, but I have to worry about a woman in her thirties who swears she’s in a great relationship and has finally won back the friends who forgave her for doing minor sh*t like sleeping with the men they loved and yet she still spends her days stalking the social media of the people she loathes. That stalker tendency is a huge part of who Kristen is and what that means is that her crazy may be lying latent, but that crazy will always be present.

He wins. He also causes it.

He got rid of Kristen once and for all. Besides his blubbering on a Miami side street, he never backslid in that area. He snagged the only girl on this show I don’t regularly want to clobber with my heaviest shoe. But he is still on this show, even though the exposure hasn’t appeared to buoy his music career in any sort of major way, and he’s still choosing to be friends with Jax, a man who will gladly sell him out instantly just to achieve some short-term goal. Then there’s the hair. I do not understand Sandoval’s hair. I don’t understand why it’s so limp and I definitely can’t figure out why it’s so lanky. Me trying to understand Sandoval’s hair is perhaps the most epic battle currently being fought and I want to bring about an ending to this conflict by sneaking up beside him as he slumbers. I will then pull a gigantic pair of scissors out of my purse and, should he wake up when I grab a huge hunk of that terribleness, I shall stroke his forehead gently and convince him that he’s dreaming.

This one is actually the only conflict that’s sort of interesting because two people who aren’t total morons are waging it. Both Ariana and Stassi are articulate and both have a sense of humor. And I actually understand why Stassi finds it blatantly disloyal for Ariana to even deign to have any sort of relationship with Lala after Lala called Katie fat and disgusting so many times. But let’s also be honest here and admit that probably the only reason Ariana and Katie became friendly in the first place is because they both work on the same reality show and the love their boyfriends have for one another is strong enough to move the moon and the stars. (Zero judgment on that from me. I, too, find Schwartz adorable – and if someone figures out how to shove some gonads inside of his body, I might even one day concede that he’s perfect.) But Ariana doesn’t owe Katie a whole hell of a lot and she owes Stassi even less than that and perhaps Stassi will realize one day that she needs to stop trying to control how everyone stuck in her orbit behaves. I’m actually looking forward to Ariana laughing in Stassi’s face for the remainder of the season – and I hope she does it before she brushes her teeth.

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