Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/30/17

January 31st, 2017 | 2 Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

Okay, with the facts now out of the way, Scheana announces that she is happy to go with Ellie to James’ show so they can force the guy to finally take accountability for his actions. For the love of all that is f*cking holy, why do these people care about other people they are not actually legitimately connected to taking accountability for their actions? Do they not have hobbies? Are there not marches they could be going on? Do they never ever want to binge-watch shows, not even Billions, a series I’ve just gotten hooked on? Who, outside of elected officials, has this kind of time to devote to destroying the lives of others?

Now that Brittany’s mother is safely back in Kentucky, Jax and Brittany head out to dinner and discuss all kinds of fun topics like going to church and Jax’s repressed memories from church camp and how they should stop by James’ event later so they can watch Ellie confront him while she’s wearing a microphone. Jax is positively giddy about the prospect of watching James get destroyed and I’m honestly concerned for the church that Jax might eventually walk into because I’m quite certain he is the newest and sweatiest incarnation of Lucifer.

While the others are planning the best ways to make James fall apart completely on his big night, Katie, Schwartz, Ariana, Sandoval, and Stassi head over to a painting class. As they apply happy tree branches to their canvases, Schwartz asks Ariana and Stassi if everything is okay between them and Stassi explains that she found it very rude that Ariana just busted out and informed her that she doesn’t really give a sh*t about her while they were at the bridal shower. “I mean, I don’t know what to tell you,” responds Ariana. “That makes me feel sad,” Stassi responds. “You hurt my feelings.” Honestly, this is not a bad way for Stassi to go about getting an apology here. She’s being direct and relatively calm and while she’s probably texting Kristen the address of the place under the table so Kristen can show up and stab Ariana will a paintbrush, I’ll give Stassi some credit. Katie immediately takes up for Stassi because the two of them made a blood oath in the bathroom one day while they shared a tampon that neither would ever have to fight a battle – even a self-created one – alone, but Ariana’s not biting and watching Stassi sputter in disbelief that Ariana is not offering her any sort of an apology is f*cking glorious.

And now it’s time for James’ dreams to be sh*t upon by his Bravo coworkers. I do agree with Scheana that the manner in which James has treated women is absolutely repulsive, but I also cannot fathom why any of those women entertained his repulsiveness in the first place. In any case, Scheana shows up with Jax and Brittany and Ariana and Sandoval arrive next. Sandoval takes one look at Jax and knows the guy is there with all kinds of nefarious intent, but it’s very hard to pay attention to the evil that’s residing in the blackened depths of Jax’s soul because James begins rapping and it is maybe the very worst thing I’ve ever heard – and I went to a Poison concert when I was in middle school. Of course, James’ girlfriend bops along to her boyfriend’s brilliance because she doesn’t know any better and that’s around the time Kristen and her new boyfriend walk in. As she literally high-fives Jax because nothing makes this girl happier than causing someone else pain, Sandoval takes a look around and announces that seeing Kristen walk into the place is akin to seeing a bad omen splayed out in front of him and I cannot f*cking stand James, but it’s really icky watching the joy cross the features of these people because they’re about to bring on some misery.

Then GG and Ellie show up and both of them allegedly slept with James while he was with Raquel and GG and Raquel are suddenly standing next to one another.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Raquel says.

“What have you heard?” asks yet another girl willing to admit to the universe at large that she slept with this idiot.

“That you’re obsessed with my boyfriend,” Raquel explains. “Girl, I don’t blame you.”

And that’s when GG decides to tell some innocent girl who never once hurt her and never once promised her a single thing that she lives in a fantasy world and that James is not loyal to her. It’s a cruel and disgusting thing these girls are doing to someone they don’t know and it gets even worse when GG pulls some old tee out of her bag and gives James the clothing back that he left at her house the night he supposedly banged her. And that’s when James – acting like The Prick he will always be – tells GG that he would never sleep with her because she’s disgusting and she’d better get her dumpy ass out of his face so she smacks him hard across the head while Kristen all but cheers from the sidelines.

“Thank you for coming,” James sarcastically drawls to Carter, Kristen, and Jax, three people who are filled with glee at the scene occurring before them, and I guess the hypnotherapy and all that karma didn’t work because Jax throws a drink in James’ face and Kristen gets James kicked out. And there on the street, James explodes and tells Sandoval – The Solemn One, the only one who has ever had his pathetic scrawny back – that his friends are lowlifes and, okay, that’s accurate, but this is a guy who commissioned you a f*cking therapist. This is a guy who actually showed up to celebrate you, but James The Prick will never be able to do the right thing, not ever, and that is yet another thing about him that will not ever change.

“I need my suit jacket,” James whines as he walks away from just a fraction of the people in the world who hate him. “It’s Gucci.”

You know what? The right sort of karma will make it that he winds up being barren, too. And to make sure such a thing transpires, I’m rubbing a crystal across my body as the hypnotherapist puts me under.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

2 thoughts on “Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/30/17


    This has to be… quite literally, the greatest thing I’ve ever read. It’s so mean, yet oh so accurate!!!!!

  2. Perfect explanation of this cast. And no biased political talk this week! Great news all around.

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