For a certain period of time, this was the motto I chose to live my life by: In the grand scheme of things, this moment will not matter in the slightest. Such a mindset was very helpful during years when I was almost chronically making all sorts of silly choices, like skipping Philosophy class because it started way too early (11:15AM) or lying to a boyfriend about where I’d spent the previous evening. But even as those words swirled through my mind back then – even as I conditioned myself to believe that none of my actions could possibly really matter – a part of me was always very much aware that my rehearsed mantra was just a verbal defense mechanism meant to absolve me of the guilt I should have allowed myself to internalize. Had I felt those waves of shame, perhaps I would have made different – wiser – choices.

It was probably during the first semester of my senior year in college when that plastic bubble formed entirely out of Goldschlager and … Continue reading →

I once spent a week at a gorgeous villa in the Dominican Republic. We were given our own butler who served us lavish breakfasts by a private swimming pool. I had a golf cart to use at my disposal. The water I floated in was the kind of blue you only see in one of those deluxe Crayola packages, the ones that come with the extra special hues. And all of it might have been perfect had I not arrived with the kind of raging bladder infection that made me constantly aware of the fact that I am, without f*cking question, a woman. The pain was searing and unceasing and it all was made somehow worse when I caught a glimpse of my agony in the rearview mirror of the SUV that was shuttling me from the airport to the place my family was staying, a place they’d already arrived at two days prior. In the reflection I saw physical suffering surrounded by about seven miles of hair that had already succumbed to the ravages … Continue reading →