Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/20/17

February 21st, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

Back at the hotel, Katie is just about to apply a smoky eye to Stassi when some girl walks in holding a cake and begins gyrating upon her because she’s a stripper Kristen hired for the evening. I don’t completely understand the appeal of some naked chick writhing across your lap when you’re a heterosexual woman, but I’d probably be okay with it so long as she leaves the cake behind after her little performance. (Sorry. I’m off carbs and that cake is really the only porn I might ever need.)

It’s about six in the evening when the guys begin getting dressed like women for their big night out. They are not going at this alone, folks. They have called in professional drag queens to get themselves tucked and coiffed and lashed. Peter ends up looking kind of like Mrs. Roper, Schwartz looks rather decent as a blonde, Ariana pulls off dressing as some generic dude, but Sandoval and his Joan Crawford eyebrows and Jax with his blunt bob and facial hair will probably warp my delicate psyche for many years to come. They head out to a sports bar (one that allows dogs!) and it only seems to take a minute for Schwartz to begin chatting with two girls at the bar. This is probably a very bad idea for three reasons:

1. He is on camera.
2. His fiancé has trust issues, both her own and those implanted inside of her brain by her most supportive friends.
3. Kristen’s boyfriend is there and I would not be the least bit surprised if the guy worked for the KGB because you know Kristen’s got herself a type and that type falls under the banner of “someone as crazy as I am.”

Now listen, I’m all for allowing men their freedom, but even I will easily condemn a guy lifts up his dress for a table of women and asks if they can find his d*ck. Seems the alcohol is flowing like a river and instead of going downstream it’s going down Schwartz’s throat because right here’s a guy who desperately wants to escape from reality. Unfortunately, when that guy also appears voluntarily on a reality show, there’s bound to be some messiness coming his way – and I’m not talking about the kind of messiness that is Jax peeing all over his dress because he is a man who is good at so little and I guess that includes aim.

While Schwartz engages in behavior that will probably get him recircumcised, Stassi takes the girls on a jaunty little murder tour! As the guide tells them the stories of the people who mauled one another with sharp axes, Kristen makes sure to jump into the conversation at every turn to announce that the killers had probably been cheated on and that makes their choice to swing an axe at someone’s head incredibly understandable. Once the trip down Killer Lane is over, the girls meet the guys back at the hotel. They’re still decked out in drag – Sandoval changed his wig because he will get all he can from this experience, dammit – and everyone is happy for the moment to see one another. Oh, but over on the side of the room is Kristen and she has committed to being a one-woman Greek Chorus that’s strung out on depressants. She takes a single gander at this finally festive scene and declares that everyone thinks Schwartz is so adorable but he is not that innocent and she will bring that lack of innocence to light and destroy everyone around her because she is just such a good person and anyone who can’t see that must have cheated on somebody in the last week.

Kristen pulls Schwartz aside to expound her wisdom and it goes a little something like this: all of the things he and Katie fight about are negligible because the only thing they’re really fighting about is how he cheated on her two years ago. Now, having this discussion with a man dressed like an unfortunate looking woman while he has so much beer inside of him that he can barely see straight is probably not the very brightest idea so the conversation doesn’t go all that well. Schwartz gets up, announces to everyone that Kristen is a basic psycho, and then stalks away while Kristen follows and explains what, in her convoluted mind, serves as logic. According to her, all will be f*cking glorious if Schwartz decides to right now – in a crowd and on camera – tell Katie that yes, he did f*ck that random girl two years ago. Kristen is positive such an admission will save Katie and Schwartz’s relationship, Sandoval is positive the very best thing he can do is get his best friend away from this walking human poison, and Carter somehow gets into the elevator with the two men who currently hate his girlfriend more than anyone else in the whole wide world and defends her honor without laughing.

The fight continues in the hallway. While Jax bars Brittany from walking out of their hotel room into some battle he epically coins The Ten Year War and Stassi watches the verbal carnage from her doorway, Sandoval and Schwartz attempt to disengage themselves from Carter. The only thing I can say about the guy is that he’s maybe the perfect person for Kristen and I’m terrified these two will 1) breed and 2) have triplets. At some point, Katie wanders upstairs and Schwartz slurs at her that she’s a moron who wants unconditional love – I would have strangled him with his wig, so good for Katie for showing some restraint here – and soon she is tucked away in her suite with her girlfriends and Carter explaining how she was really hurt by what Schwartz did in the past. Meanwhile, Scheana confronts Schwartz in his room and it sort of dribbles out that he doesn’t quite remember what happened with that Vegas girl, but no matter what happened, he’s done with Katie. He’s not marrying her. And I can only hope that someone saved that dishtowel because maybe now it’ll be worth something.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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