Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/6/17

February 7th, 2017 | 1 Comment | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

Meanwhile, the idyllic perfection of Lisa’s home is momentarily shaken by the arrival of Scheana and Pandora. Lisa’s daughter is there to steal some sangria for the party she’s throwing for Katie and Scheana tells her boss that the bride-to-be is actually acting like quite the bitch these days. “She just feels like she can do whatever, say whatever, and have absolutely no consequences,” Scheana explains – but see, that’s what will happen when there actually will be no consequences! Look, we all know Scheana will show up and pay for whatever anybody makes her pay for and she will leave the shower and the bachelorette party and the wedding and f*cking Arbor Day still hoping that Katie and Stassi like her and all that behavior will do is allow Katie and Stassi to continue to treat her like she’s the disposable one in the group because that’s exactly who she is and who she always will be.

It appears that there is far less conflict over in the land of the groom. He and all of his friends – Jax, Carter, Sandoval, and Ariana – are getting drinks and laughing and actually liking one another while they discuss the aforementioned plan to dress in drag because, as Schwartz explains, he just always thought it would be fun to dress up as a woman with his male friends and then get completely wasted. Since it’s time for them to prepare to get all pretty, the secrets begin to emerge like how Jax can throw something sleeveless on right at this very moment because he already shaves his armpits when he’s not telling his very lucky girlfriend to go make him a salami sandwich.

The next day, Pandora opens her lovely home to all of Katie’s bridesmaids – and Ariana. The night before, Ariana promised Schwartz that, to appease him and to keep Katie from strangling whatever is left of his testicles out of fury, she would do her best to make nice with Stassi. The reconciliation will eventually occur, as all the finest reconciliations do, over spa treatments in Pandora’s backyard and I would just like to take a second and tell all my very best girlfriends that you all completely suck pointy-Sandoval-balls because you have never once invited me over to take part in a couples’ massage on any one of your lawns and now each and every one of you is permanently dead to me. Moving on, Ariana promises that she will try to have a more open mind when it comes to dealing with Stassi and Stassi actually seems to appreciate that Ariana will sort of pretend to like her when they’re in public and the whole thing would be awesome if Scheana wasn’t pushed to entirely lose her sh*t later on in the afternoon.

It all comes about for no good reason whatsoever. As they sit around and eat a very nice lunch, Katie cannot help but ask if the proper apologies were given and Ariana, looking up from behind a fedora, immediately appears to remember why she’s chosen not to be friends with this group of infantile crazy people. Even Stassi is trying to brush this discussion under the rug, but the bride won’t have it and she continues to explain that she’s not really the type to announce that this is all about her, but she’ll go ahead and do it anyway. (Quick aside: Kristen nodding enthusiastically and dumbly at Katie’s words made me want to gouge my eyeballs right out.) Anyway, Katie announces that she cannot possibly handle any sort of negativity so she will squelch all of that negativity by reminding people over and over again of the forgotten negativity. Katie brings up – in front of everyone – that Scheana mentioned all the bridesmaid money she’d spent to her and then proclaims that Scheana’s been all sorts of distant lately and Scheana finally loses it and tells Katie that she acts like a mean, irrational, aggressive assh*le when she drinks and Katie fires back that everyone thinks Scheana is fake and finally Scheana storms away and Ariana looks like she would maybe use anything to dig her way to freedom from that backyard that’s being presided over by a lunatic. Might Pandora have a spork she can borrow?

And now it’s time for some of Schwartz’s groomsmen to try on Lisa Vanderpump’s underwear because if you’re going to dress like a woman, you might as well wear La Perla. Lisa welcomes them warily into her closet – I want to live there – and Sandoval and Jax don little dresses and straw hats and layered necklaces and bras. It’s a big day! Jax even learns how to pronounce “Givenchy” correctly! And all would be nothing but glorious, but we soon leave that closet and head out to dinner with the most miserable engaged couple currently on television. These are two people who start sentences to one another with words like, “If you want to continue to look like a complete assh*le idiot…” and “Are you drunk right now?” They are f*cking misery personified and I think maybe they should go home and put on some of Katie’s lace outfits and snap some pictures of one another. I just hope both of them remember to suck their stomachs in and push their d*cks way out.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

One thought on “Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/6/17

  1. I love your recaps. In fact, I think I only watch this loathesome show anymore, so I can read your recaps. Side note: I am pretty sure our college selves were separated at birth. I always have the dream where I haven’t been to class in so long that I can’t remember where my classes are and I only have 1 more class to go to graduate…I clearly spent more time at the sorority house or bar than in class. Anyway, thanks for making my day!

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