Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/13/17

February 14th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

There’s nothing that can f*ck up a vacation more than a lack of compatibility amongst the people you’re traveling with. You know what I mean. Like, sometimes you want to be at the bar until four in the morning because you’ve been talking to that scruffy guy who looks vaguely homeless but you know he’s not because you caught a glimpse of his Prada boots and you’ve found out he’s seen Springsteen play almost as many times as you have and he’s been touching you lightly on the lower back for the last forty minutes in a way that doesn’t make you want to shimmy out of your skin just so you can wash it in bleach and then the friend you’re with announces that it’s time for you to accompany her back to the hotel. (I’m just spitballing here, not recounting an actual experience with a friend who is now dead to me and one of the hottest men I’ve ever seen in real life. Also, hey Jason!) What I mean is that people who go on trips together have to be on the same page when it comes to how late they want to stay out and what it is they plan to do during the day and how you calling the entire closet while you’re still on the plane is totally fair. There must be some mutual respect that naturally exists or the vacation will turn into a miserable nightmare where you might consider doing something rash like flinging a friend off a cruise ship during a squall. (Again, that’s just me writing fiction. I never once considered shoving a friend over a railing into the rough surf. Also, hey Jessica!)

So with the understanding that exists inside the mind of a rational adult that one should only vacation with people you’re quite certain are not walking demonic entities, I can’t really feel all that badly for any of the bullsh*t our Vanderpumpers find themselves in during their trip to New Orleans to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of two people who cannot stand the sight of one another. Look, it’s bad enough when the bride and the groom stare daggers at each other over a breakfast of tequila and scrambled hatred, but the others along for whatever is the opposite of a hero’s journey are also filled with barely disguised animosity. Think about it. On this one trip alone, the following enemies are expected to dine together…in public…on camera…in a place where there are knives:

Ariana and Kristen: Though she’s pretending to be sort of lucid these days, let us not forget that Kristen spent an entire season imagining out loud how awesome it would be if Ariana got run over by a Mack truck.

Katie and Scheana: Katie is consumed these days by three things and they are – in this order – herself, alcohol, and loyalty. But somewhat bizarrely, she has chosen to forget how blatantly disloyal some of her dear friends have been in the not too recent past and has instead chosen to focus on all the things Scheana has done that might very well prove (to an absolute drunken mess) that Scheana is a monster because she refused to take a piss on Lala in the back alley at Sur that one time. The two made amends at the latest party that was held in Katie’s honor (that would be party #217) because Katie eventually stopped screaming in Scheana’s face and called her “Bean,” but Katie is clearly a very angry girl these days and she will definitely get tired of yelling at her boyfriend about his impotence at some point and you just know that if Scheana’s in her eyeline when it happens, girlfriend is going to get blamed for something.

Stassi and Jax: I give Stassi a hard time because she’s a grown woman who treats friendship as a combat sport, but I would never for even a millisecond blame her for why this relationship ended. Jax is a f*cking mess of an (allegedly) human being and he clearly treats his girlfriends like sh*t and you’d have to pay me way more than whatever Bravo is paying Stassi to constantly be around a guy who treated me so horrifically. It’s nice that Stassi gets along with Brittany and Brittany does seem like a sweet girl who has terrible taste in cavemen, but to have to dine across from an ex-boyfriend so frequently has to suck massively and in spite of how they’ve all played nice recently by diagnosing one another as sociopaths, the time will eventually come when one of them is going to blow – and it won’t be in that way that Jax likes to be blown by women and men.

Stassi and Scheana: I wholeheartedly believe that Stassi is waiting somewhat patiently for the day she can push Scheana off a mountain so Scheana can plummet to her death and Stassi can once again have Katie all to herself. I suck at geography so I’m not a hundred percent sure if there are mountains in Louisiana, but if I were Scheana, I’d keep my eyes open and wear shoes with some traction.

Stassi and Ariana: Ariana publicly declared that she will pretend not to find Stassi the walking embodiment of everything that is wrong with women and Stassi publicly declared that she was pleased that Ariana is willing to hide how much she loathes her and I believe these two are smart enough to keep their bitterness simmering on low for the time being, but you just know the day will come when they’ll battle again.

Jax and Sandoval: It is entirely clear to Sandoval that Jax is a horrible person. The guy refuses all accountability and reacts to being called out for his disgraceful behavior by shouting about all the terrible things other people have done in this or any other lifetime. But Jax has never really been punished for any of his actions. He’s lost no friends. Some girl still lives with him and brings him sandwiches. His t*ts are now bigger than mine – and mine are impressive. He slept with Kristen while she was best friends with Stassi and while he was best friends with Sandoval and the result is that they are all still vacationing together. I don’t expect that Sandoval will decide on this particular trip that Jax is actually a sweatier version of Beelzebub and he’s ruled by even worse intentions than the Master of Hell, but I have to hope he’s at least getting to that point and that could maybe make their interactions in New Orleans a wee bit tense.

Sandoval and Kristen: No worries in this area. Sure, she still stares at him as he crosses a room and bends over in rompers whenever he’s near, but she is so in love with her new boyfriend and she could care less about him or any of her other exes and that’s why she still stalks all of them online and goes out of her way to fully destroy their lives.

Now add to these simmering conflicts a bunch of camera crews and microphones that will record drunk preening participants barreling through the streets of a city that’s already been through far too much and, my friends, we are about to have a diarrhea-grade sh*tshow on our hands.

The – well, let’s just call it “fun” for argument’s sake – kicks off tonight at Stassi’s apartment where Kristen stops by so Stassi has someone to complain to about all of her worries about the upcoming bachelorette extravaganza. I actually understand the stress Stassi feels. After all, New Orleans was her idea for a destination and it’s not like any of the trips these people go on could ever be described as “smooth sailing.” To increase Stassi’s chances that someone won’t be punched in the face over cocktails, I’d suggest that she quickly throw a burlap sack over Kristen’s head, bind it using one of those statement necklaces she used to make in her Arts and Craft classes, and shove the girl into a closet where she will have to reside for the next several days – but Stassi would never do such a thing. The girl needs allies and nobody agrees more with questionable behavior than Kristen so she’s definitely going on the journey. But I’m gonna go ahead and give Kristen some credit here and I’d just like to quickly announce that I’m not saying that because I have been taken Liam Neeson-style or bound up in a statement necklace myself. I think Kristen is correct when she tells Stassi that one of the reasons it’s been so hard for her to get over her ex is because they didn’t break up because he was a psychopathic cheating monster. They broke up because they weren’t ultimately compatible and that’s a hard thing to get over. Kristen is (gulp) being a wise and very kind friend here – and now I’m going to need a second to go stare into a mirror and point at myself while laughing for even typing such a sentence.

Over at Sandoval and Ariana’s house, Ariana’s mother is visiting and she’s just in time for the power to shut off because the microwave and the air conditioning cannot be turned on at the same time. I used to live in a place where the very same thing happened – and it sucked (usually) sweaty balls because often whatever was in the microwave was far more important to me in the moment than staying cool as a healthy cucumber. Anyway, Sandoval reveals to Ariana’s mom that Katie has been sending them rude texts (don’t worry – I’m sure she was totally sober when she sent them) about how the only thing she and her terrified fiancé fight about is how awful Ariana happens to be. The level of nonsense contained in those texts is nothing short of staggering, but what’s also completely baffling to me is that these two people are still joining this assh*le on an upcoming vacation. I get wanting to be there for Schwartz so they can see him in his dress and pearls, but send the guy a stripper without a hoop through her nose and call it a f*cking day.

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