Vanderpump Rules Recap – 2/13/17

February 14th, 2017 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

Since someone actually has to work for a living on this show, Lisa shows up at PUMP so she can make sure the private party that’s being held there that night will go off without a hitch. The only problem she sees in her future is that the people throwing the party actually requested that James DJ the event and my guess is the particular person who made that request wanted to make sure he wouldn’t end up being the very least appealing person on the premises so he brought in a scrawny ringer. James shows up and he appears polite and sober and Lisa reiterates that he is not to drink on the job. There’s no way in hell anything can go wrong here.

Since Scheana has not been banished from her group of – well, for argument’s sake, let’s just call them “friends” – yet, she is throwing a little party for everyone. There’s a taco bar there, so even I’d show up at that event even though Jax is there and Schwartz is wearing a muumuu. Upon hearing from Sandoval about Katie’s latest round of texts, Schwartz shrugs and declares that he’s just going to shove her latest bout of crazy under a rug that’s now so lumpy that Jax wouldn’t even have sex on it. All the girls head into the pool where they play beer pong and eventually Katie and Stassi float over to one another so Katie can announce that Ariana really put a damper on the last party that was thrown in her honor and now she’s not even talking to Schwartz. (If you think these two things are not related in the least, it means you are f*cking normal. Congratulations! The prize for that is never having to eat a chalupa in a pool next to Katie!) What does Katie have to do, she wonders, to get Schwartz to take her side? Should she be blonder and have an incredible ass? (Seriously, Ariana, I’m straight as they come, but I work out with your heiny in mind as a goal) Should she get drunk with the guys and be cooler? Actually, what Katie should probably do is reevaluate the way she speaks to her fiancé because if you’re the sort of person who complains about everything, after a while the other person just stops listening.

At a certain point, Katie sits alone in the corner of the party and sulks while Kristen, Scheana, and Jax approach Schwartz to try to get him to stop saying mean things about the lady he’s about to marry. Scheana implores him to figure out a kind way to communicate with her or to just go over and kiss her so maybe things won’t be so f*cking awkward when they all have to vacation together, but when he comes over, she turns her face away. I get it. The guy’s in a muumuu and he tries to high-five her and watching siblings make out would probably be more romantic.

And now it’s time for the rest of the crew to pack, so we head to Jax and Brittany’s apartment so we can all watch Jax tell the luckiest girl alive that she better do all of his laundry this instant. Then we arrive at Sandoval and Ariana’s where we see that the butt pads have arrived – and that’s a f*cking relief – so Sandoval’s ass will appear more womanly when he dresses in drag for Schwartz’s big night. Since Scheana and Shay were still residing under the same roof when this episode was shot, we get to watch them pack d*ck sticks and discuss how neither of them ever plans to get married ever again. And then we get to Katie and Schwartz’s place where they are vowing to one another to always have each other’s backs until the very end of time. Anyone want to place bets as to how soon that vow is shattered on a New Orleans street corner while Jax pees all over it?

When they get to New Orleans, the city is vibrant and colorful and they are immediately greeted with beads and the news that Jax’s credit card was once again declined. Man, drugs and t*t enhancement surgery are expensive, huh? Another card finally gets accepted and everyone checks into their rooms as couples except for Stassi. I’ve known that pain; I feel for her. Having a better time are Katie and Schwartz. They’re still sticking to their proclamation to like each other for right now and there’s a chance that they could maybe even get drunk on the champagne Lisa sent and then hop into bed, but Stassi shows up to hang out with them. Since it took them months to consummate the engagement – which is something they stated on national television constantly – I’m guessing Stassi didn’t actually c*ck-block them in the slightest.

Also: all I want in life is a house with a moat and a palatial lawn where miniature ponies frolic and the ability to ask them sweetly under the gorgeous setting sun if they would maybe like a biscuit as a treat.

It’s nighttime and they all head to Bourbon Street where Jax spits a jello shot into Brittany’s mouth, which means she must have done his laundry and that was her awesome reward. Everyone is getting along and getting drunk when Sandoval finds himself alone at a table with Katie and he makes the grave mistake of asking a crazy woman how things are going. She explains to him that 90% of the problems she and the fiancé she does not respect have are because of tensions within their group of friends. First of all: that’s total bullsh*t and I feel comfortable making that bold declaration because these people have thrown their private lives on television for the last five years and we’ve all been privy to their problems. But second of all: if you really think your friends are ruining your relationship, be a f*cking adult and make new friends. In any case, Sandoval listens as Katie once again says sh*t about his girlfriend and the way she didn’t murder Lala (who?) because Lala was mean to Katie and when Sandoval tries to remind Katie that she was the one who first made things contentious with Lala – that it actually wasn’t the other way around – Katie just cuts him off. No, refusing to listen to another person cannot possibly be the reason she and Schwartz fight! Sandoval, bless his pure heart and his terrible frosted hair, tries to push through and recommends that she and Schwartz get therapy and his advice goes just about as well as you’d expect.

In another happy corner of the bar, Stassi and Brittany sit down to talk about how alone she feels and that’s when Jax comes over. Though we all saw the revolting madness go down in high-def, it’s frankly kind of hard to even imagine that Jax and Stassi were once a couple because she’s just far too smart to have been with such a moron, but now he’s there and he wants her to know that he’s sorry. He’s sorry Stassi feels alone and he’s sorry Patrick never came to group events because Patrick probably would have wanted to shove his fist down the throat of the guy who hurt Stassi so repeatedly. But as sorry as he feels, Jax is dumb enough and drunk enough (and f*cking sweaty enough) to announce that Patrick should have shown up to those events anyway and that’s when Stassi breaks down and tells him she might feel better if Jax just once and for all apologized for all the hideous things he did to her all of those years. For sleeping with a stripper and knocking her up. For f*cking Stassi’s best friend on a sofa – twice. For lying. For stealing. For walking through the world basically unscathed after damaging so many people. And finally Jax does say that he is sorry and that he was a piece of sh*t. His eyes fill with tears – unless that’s just more sweat pouring out of his eyes – and he seems kind of sincere and Stassi thanks him and then quietly gets up and walks away so Brittany can turn to the weepy guy before her and announce that he’s never once apologized to her like that. Wait five years, Brittany, and make sure the local strippers are all on birth control.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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