There are some beliefs I will simply never abandon:

1. Just because you are good and decent to someone does not mean that you will receive the same kindness in return. 2. With the availability of so many choices in undergarments, there is absolutely no excuse anymore for having a visible panty line. 3. Coconut oil can be brought in to solve almost any beauty crisis known to man. 4. The most monumental events deserve a party – and every good party should have a theme.

It was with these undeniable certainties splashing around my head that the idea came to me: I should throw a party to commemorate the last episode of Vanderpump Rules! I got to work immediately. A multitasker by nature, I prepared for the festivities by swishing coconut oil inside of my mouth for ten minutes straight all the while wearing a nude-colored thong that will not show through a single garment I own. As the disgusting mixture cleaning my teeth began to froth and foam, I made some choices about … Continue reading →

The stunning news that the Vanderpump Rules reunion will not in fact be concluding this week as I’d expected but will instead be stretched out into a three-part fiasco of semi-epic proportions sent me into a cataclysmic form of shock from which I might never recover. Do you realize what this means? It means that someone in the position to make key programming decisions at Bravo said aloud, “Let’s devote another hour to people who have no talent other than being blandly provocative!” It means that there will be full segments listed on the production schedule like “Stassi & The Dildo” and “James Likes It When People Suck On His Skinny Bullsh*t Arms.” It also means that I will surely have to one day dig myself a subterranean bunker stocked only with the work of Flannery O’Connor just so I can finally detox myself of the arid memory of these d*cks pontificating about nothing at all by reading about subjects that are less grotesque than the Vanderpumpers – and O’Connor’s work is pretty f*cking grotesque.

… Continue reading →