I was talking with some guy I know a few days ago and since we can’t possibly spend all our time disagreeing over whether or not Donald Trump is a demonic entity created by scientists strung out on PCP in a frigid laboratory in the wilds of Siberia who were tasked with birthing something that would one day bring about the total extermination of civilized society, we eventually moved on to the topic of Vanderpump Rules. (For the record, I think my Siberian laboratory theory makes quite a bit of sense. It certainly makes more sense than a president-elect waving away intelligence briefings because he’s decided that he’s already smart.) Anyway, the gist of the conversation I had with this person was about how long Vanderpump Rules could possibly stay on the air with this particular cast and I laughed hard when he asked me this question and then replied that I was relatively certain the only way some of these people would ever leave this show would be in a straightjacket or in a … Continue reading →

We’re already five weeks into this season of Vanderpump Rules and I think we can all agree that watching this show is nothing short of an edifying experience. Sure, it’s possible that you have to view it while being somewhat high in order to suss out all the hidden messages revealed so very subtly by the show’s pretend stars, but as someone who happens to be just a little bit high, I can personally attest to the fact that I have learned a great deal of important life lessons in this last month alone from a group of people who are not just servers, bartenders, and horribly flawed human beings; they are teachers, too, dammit.

In no particular order of importance (because every last one of these lessons is as essential as a f*cking proverb), here is what I have internalized in only thirty days’ time:

• While I have been a bridesmaid several times, I very clearly now realize that not one of those brides ever truly cared about me. Never once was I … Continue reading →