Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/19/15

I will hop right into recapping what occurred last night on Vanderpump Rules in just a moment, but first I would like to write a brief letter to all of my female friends whose weddings I have attended over the years:

Dear Ladies,

I want you to know that I was happy to celebrate all facets of your nuptials. I showed up with a smile for bridal showers that were scheduled on Sunday mornings at an hour when I should have still been snuggled in my bed. I made small talk over mimosas and I helped festoon ribbons onto a paper plate as you unwrapped your gifts in a tradition that I still don’t fully understand. I bought new dresses for your weddings and I walked down some of your aisles wearing gowns in styles and colors that I never would have chosen for myself unless I was blind or full of self-loathing.

I didn’t complain when some of you got married late on a Sunday night when I had to be at work the next day at dawn and I refrained from choking the caterer upon finding out the tragic news that there were no pigs in blankets anywhere in the vicinity during Cocktail Hour. I never once wore a white dress or a veil to your big day, I danced in five-inch heels until my feet turned blue, and I felt true happiness that some of you married the exact right man.

But girls: none of that matters anymore because not one of you climbed atop a table in a wedding gown with a crop top to perform a song with profound lyrics like “ugh” and “yeah” during your wedding like Scheana. None of you made a costume change and writhed around a centerpiece of lush peonies like it was a pole while holding a microphone, and I want you to know that I feel cheated and my residual bitterness makes me wish that I could build a time machine so that I could go back into the past and buy you something off the registry of the person you hate most in the world.

Since I’m not named Stassi, I do believe in forgiveness. So perhaps one day I will be able to look you in the eyes again, but for now, please keep your distance so I can grieve the fact that all of my friends have a modicum of class and that not one of you knows how to work auto-tune.

Your former friend,
Nell

I will now take a calming breath and do my best to move forward from my pain. I take comfort in the fact that some of Scheana’s wedding will probably be televised for my judgmental pleasure – and if it’s not, I plan on suing Bravo and NBCUniversal for emotional distress. And trust me, if there’s one Vanderpump Rules fan on that jury, I will walk away with a huge settlement and I will give some of that money to Ariana so she can buy herself outfits that are constructed out of some kind of bulletproof fabric because I fall asleep at night fearing for that girl’s safety.

This episode takes place after the lunacy of the events in Miami, where the majority of the cast gathered to celebrate the coming union of Scheana, a girl who probably shouldn’t sing ever, and her fiancé Shay, whose career I’m not sure of, but I think he might be a stand in for Kevin Smith. We got to witness old pictures of Jax that were taken when his name was still Jason, Kristen misinterpreting every word Sandoval uttered in her direction, and penis straws as far as the eye with 20/20 vision could see.

This week, back in LA, we begin in Stassi’s car. Stassi is driving her one remaining friend to work and they discuss the Treachery of Katie (which will one day be a Lifetime movie that Scheana will belt out the theme song for) and Katie’s choice to go to Miami to lie in the sun instead of getting color by climbing farther into Stassi’s colon.

“I understand why she went,” says Kristina, a girl who has been on every episode because Stassi needs an audience, but I can’t help but think that this girl wails to skies every time there’s a full moon that she’s not yet a full-fledged member of this cast, and what must she do to gain that status already? (Kristina, my dear? The answer to that question is that you must sleep with Jax, tell Kristen she’s sane, or lob the mole of off Vail’s lip with a butter knife. So if I were you, I’d embrace the fact that you’re not in the opening credits.)

“I still don’t know why she went,” snaps Stassi as a response.

Now listen: I understand how important loyalty is to a friendship. It’s inconvenient sometimes to be fully loyal and it can put you in an uncomfortable situation, but it’s an essential component to a relationship. And I can somewhat see why Stassi was upset that Katie traveled with people Stassi was once genuinely hurt by. But if Katie avoided every person Stassi ever had a conflict with, the girl would have to embrace agoraphobia and never leave the f*cking house because Stassi has had a problem with pretty much everyone – and I’m kind of willing to bet that hers is a life that has been filled with decimated friendships and people she feels have betrayed her. And when that’s the pattern, at some point you might have to ask what the common denominator is in all those failed relationships and accept that it’s you.

That Stassi can pretend to claim that she doesn’t know Katie’s motivations in going to Miami is ridiculous because if she would just talk to her during one of the many times Katie tried to contact her instead of declining the call or answering with a level of bitchery that far too many people over the years have allowed her to get away with, she’d understand why Katie made the choice she did. But Stassi is now over Katie and I’d like to take a moment to congratulate Katie on her freedom, even if it happened kind of by accident. It’s always tough to lose a friend, but maybe it will be an easier scenario to deal with when the friend in question does things like drive someone to work but park a block away and then order that person to bring her home some takeout.