My friends, it has been one frenetic week in the muck-filled swamp that is Vanderland. Not only did we finally catch a glimpse of what’s been hiding within the confines of Sandoval’s ponytail. Not only did Kristen do an interview with New York magazine where she arrived with two – yes, two – publicists and a gigantic bloody knot in the center of her forehead that she got courtesy of walking directly into a glass door (it was so Ariana’s fault), but Lala also very publicly announced that she’d left this show and all of the unfortunate looking people on it for good.
It’s a f*cking Christmas miracle.
While Lala’s tumultuous exit has yet to play out on the show, girlfriend (and the publicists her mother and her boyfriend pay for) have made sure to turn her upcoming farewell into as close a media frenzy as one can possibly be when more than half the population of this great nation has no idea who this person even is. But let’s give credit when credit is due, yes? After all, Lala has made sure to capitalize on the very feminist action of quitting a Bravo reality show where she liked to talk about her dome-sucking prowess in between calling other women fat by doing interview after interview with such illustrious outlets as The Inquisitr and TooFab.com. And in these hard-hitting interviews, she made sure to imply that she was certainly not shutting the door on reality TV forever, but there would need to be some clear stipulations in place before she would deign to act like a monster onscreen again. “If someone were to come to me tomorrow and say we want to give you your own show or we want to put you on a show where people are on your same level as far as talent and looks and everything else goes, then I would do both of those,” Lala explained. That’s right: according to Lala – a girl who became known not for her singing or for her acting but instead for being a hostess at a restaurant in Los Angeles where the ceiling is lined with klieg lights – the biggest problem she had with Vanderpump Rules was that her costars weren’t talented or hot.
To be fair, let’s just acknowledge that we are talking about someone whose body runs on the fumes of low-level fame in much the same way her Range Rover runs on gasoline and her ability to give a good rimjob. Seeking the sort of vapid validation that only comes from how many likes a new Instagram pic receives is exactly where Lala’s head is at when its not buried in some wealthy guy’s crotch and I’d go ahead and argue that makes her far more similar to her SUR enemies than she’s willing to admit. I will, however, also argue that her fellow Vanderpumpers did not exactly warmly embrace Lala when she first appeared on the scene next to a steaming plate of fried goat cheese balls. Here was a pretty girl who would undoubtedly snag a bunch of screen time and that notion probably felt all kinds of threatening to the rest of a cast who long ago sold their souls to a team of Bravo editors. But while Katie and Scheana did not go out of their way to make the new girl feel welcome, it’s not as though Lala made it easy for them to accept her. She yammered away about how scores of men whisk her on exotic trips simply because she’s such a fun bitch – and such tales inevitably led to some questions and those questions were never really resolved by answers like she’s the only fun bitch in all the land who doesn’t have to put out when she’s flown private to Mykonos. Simply put, the girl came across shady, and it’s not like she then helped her cause when she chose to align with James, a man-child who causes me to question whether or not evolution can skip a generation. It’s not as though Lala endeared herself to the others when she whipped off her bikini top and then responded to the criticism by opening her eyes up wide and acting as though this was the very first time in her entire life that she’d ever heard that flashing her t*ts in public – and on camera – might cause some sort of reaction.
The thing is, though, I don’t entirely hate Lala. I quite appreciate a woman who rocks confidence, especially one who also knows full well that Kristen is nothing short of psychotic and then says so because that maybe means there will be other names on Kristen’s hit list higher up than mine. And I certainly don’t blame her for not liking Scheana or Katie or Stassi, because those girls thrive on excluding others and probably have since middle school. But what I just can’t get behind is Lala’s refusal to see that, quite often, she was the direct cause of her own social banishment because of the very loaded things she enjoyed spouting off in a crowd that also happened to include a camera crew. I mean, suggesting that Scheana solve the dilemma of how to be on both coasts in a single weekend by recommending with a shrug that she just go ahead and reserve a private jet when both of them are restaurant workers who also get tossed a sh*tty salary by a cable network for baring their lives is an asinine suggestion. I don’t give a f*ck how long Lala claims to have lived at home while saving up her hostess money and whatever she earned by snagging bit parts in a few movies; whatever she collected in her c*ck-shaped piggy bank is not what she uses to rent a jet and everyone knows it so discussing this sort of sh*t while wearing a microphone is bound to lead to some issues and those issues include being called a prostitute during primetime.
I’m sure Lala doesn’t mind any of the hooker talk. Lala is and always will be the sort of person who just wants to be talked about. I have never personally subscribed to the notion that it doesn’t matter what people say about you as long as they’re talking about you because such a notion seems like it would only be palatable to a raving lunatic – but, you know, different strokes for different IQ-blessed folks. But with such profound comments posted all over her Twitter like, “Jax loves the taste of my name in his mouth. Slurp all this Lala up boy” and “How can you second guess what I already am? #mynameisinyourmouth #mynamewillbeinyourmouth,” it’s time for all of us to realize this girl could give a sh*t what any of us are saying about her as long as her name is still bouncing around somewhere. What she clearly aspires to now is any sort of fame snagged in any way she can trap it and she somehow believes she’ll be in this game for the long run and so she will burn her bridges and watch as they simmer and explode while proclaiming to any media outlet who will listen that Jax snorts blow every single day of his life and she will not even bother to grace the set of the eventual Vanderpump Rules Reunion. Indeed, Lala’s plans about skipping the Reunion were stated thusly: “I’m going to bag it. I’ll defend myself from a yacht!” As for how she will pay for that yacht? Who cares, Lala would sniff before applying even more makeup to her face with a small shovel as she again announces how much her secret boyfriend’s baby mama adores her. Besides, she would add with a toss of her hair, Katie is still fat.
None of this is meant to say that Lala has been wrong about everything. It’s frankly pretty hard to find anyone to fully root for on this show at this point. Schwartz is adorable – but he’s also a wimp. Stassi is articulate in her insults – but she demands loyalty in much the manner I imagine Putin does. Scheana is no idiot – but she craves friendship from people who are already clearly plotting against her. As a viewer, I think I might have to start identifying with that sparkling glass of cheap Pinot or with the shadow cast by Brittany’s new nipples.
Like the very best things in life – for example, a new President being elected in 2020 or that particular guy climbing on top of me on a very chilly evening so I can count his abs in close-up – we apparently have to wait a bit for Lala to storm off for good. Tonight’s episode begins with one of those days when everyone is on the schedule so we can watch some of them again explain why they felt too upset to head to work on the day of Gay Pride. But talk of such tragedies can only last for so long when there are other pressing matters at hand, like what Ariana has planned for her NASCAR-themed birthday and how Scheana has yet to be invited to come along. No matter, though! Scheana wouldn’t dream of skipping Stassi’s Birthday Fiesta to go to Ariana’s because Scheana is f*cking terrified of Stassi and besides, Scheana has other things on her mind, like how to plan a joint surprise party with Kristen for the two very fortunate men in both of their lives. Surprise, Shay and Carter! You are both with women who will one day destroy your very essence! Have the happiest of birthdays, though!
Stassi shows up next with a very special request for Brittany. She’s been doing a podcast for a while and she would like to have Jax on as her guest because who better to speak of the sh*t men try to get away with than the guy who banged her best friend and also got a stripper pregnant while they were living together? She wants to make sure Brittany is okay with such a plan – which is rather kind of her – and since Stassi’s not a total dummy, she makes sure to present the idea as Jax as a reformed guy, one who specifically changed because Brittany wandered into his life. As I appreciate a good manipulation, I will go ahead and give Stassi some credit here. I wish I could also give Brittany some credit, but when she says, “The only thing Stassi’s horrible ex-boyfriend and the man I know and love have in common is that his name is Jax Taylor,” I can do nothing besides shake my head and hope someone in L.A. will one day allow her to bunk on a couch when she realizes Stassi’s ex and her current man have way more in common than a f*cking fake first name.
And now it’s time for the kind of Friendship Summit all of us always have in the middle of our workday. Seems Lisa recommended that Ariana try to broker some kind of truce between Scheana, Katie, and Lala, so Ariana asks Scheana to grab Katie and meet her out back. There is so much that is hilarious about all of this, not the least of which is that Lisa knows full well that the success of her reality show depends on women deciding they f*cking loathe one another and proclaiming their hatred loudly at regular intervals, but let’s just agree to pretend that any of this makes any real sense, okay? I do think Ariana probably means well, but she cannot possibly believe any of this will legitimately go swimmingly. Still, the cameras are there so Katie and Scheana agree to participate. There’s not a whole lot Lala can say that will make Katie not want to gouge her eyes right out, and Katie has a point. Lala has been disgusting to Katie – even more disgusting than the turtleneck and leather shorts Lala struts out wearing – so I cannot imagine anyone really expects a resolution to come from this. “How can we make things peaceful so things can be cool at work?” Ariana asks. “I’ve already apologized,” Lala retorts to Katie. “What do I have to do? Finger you?” Honestly? The girl is a crass moron. Besides, she should know that fingering is not nearly enough to get her out of this jam and, at the very least, she ought to offer to go down on Katie but there is no reasoning with Lala so everyone should just allow her to get on that private jet and slap on some knee pads and go gently into that good night where fun bitches are never asked how they pay for luxury SUVs.
Unfortunately, Scheana manages to stumble into a pit of chunky bullsh*t when she tries to extricate herself politely from the conversation. The girl has vocally been on Katie’s side from the start and not a single thing she has done should be second-guessed, but she does tell Lala that she will no longer tell tales of Lala nailing a married man, and such words wind their way through Katie’s broken mind and somehow translates into a sentence whose thesis is Scheana choosing to illustrate a complete lack of loyalty. I swear, when I was in seventh grade and my lips were swathed in ice pink lipstick because I didn’t know any better, I still knew to only cultivate friendships with girls who were more evolved than Katie is while in her f*cking thirties. This conversation that goes absolutely nowhere and only results in further conflicts finally draws to a close and Lala stands up and pulls her leather shorts from out of her vagina and heads back inside so she can work as a hostess until she’s picked up later from the private jet some guy will send to the roof of SUR because that guy just loves her awesome personality – or maybe she offered to finger him. It’s really anybody’s guess.