But let’s get back for a second to how being on a show like this might not be such a wise thing. Remember when this series first started and Kristen claimed to be an actress? Listen, I’m willing to bet she’s probably a relatively decent actress, especially if she’s the type to go all Method since the arsenal of demented lunacy she has at her immediate disposal is probably something even Stanislavski didn’t realize could exist. But let’s also think pragmatically here. What kind of reputable producer or studio would hire this woman now? Just looking at the insurance end of it, Kristen has come off as crazed and unreliable for a good half a decade. She was fired from her waitressing job for essentially being an assh*le. She has raging rage issues. I don’t think she’s ever appeared onscreen without clutching a cocktail. She seems very proud to not have even a bit of self-awareness. And Los Angeles? The place is crawling with actresses who want to be in movies, and I’m pretty sure the ones who will eventually make it will not be those who have already proven themselves to be psychologically erratic – and that’s me putting it kindly because ‘tis the holiday season and I want Santa to think I’m nice so he’ll bring me expensive lingerie, a pair of Nike Metcons, and a pony I will name Rufus.
Perhaps more of an issue than the likelihood that Kristen would even make it through an entire film shoot without telling the cinematographer he can suck a d*ck if he tries to use a lens without a filter is the problem that, at this point, who will ever be able to buy Kristen as anyone other than herself? Ever wonder why all those reality stars who try to become movie stars rarely make it? Sure, a supreme lack of talent is one of the things probably holding scores of them back, but they can’t all be untalented. A factor that must be examined here is what it is that gets lost after you’ve decided that full access to your life is your single greatest commodity. We’ve watched Kristen behave like a monster for a really long time and she’s either too foolish or too desperate to realize that this sort of exposure has murdered her acting aspirations. There is no mystery about her anymore – none – and that sort of thing destroys an important element of the movie-going experience. Most of us want to willfully suspend disbelief when watching scripted entertainment. We know it’s in our best interests to achieve a desired momentary escapism so we happily believe that Johnny Depp is really Willy Wonka and that John Krasinksi’s body always looked like that of a soldier and not a Scranton paper salesman. We will buy Leonardo DiCaprio as a blow-snorting stockbroker and then believe he’s a vengeance-obsessed frontiersman just a few years later, but it’s not something that happens just because DiCaprio is a fine actor. What’s also a huge part of the equation here is how one of the reasons an actor like him disappears into his roles is because of how little access to his actual life he has been willing to grant the public. We know the guy dates model after model and that he’s an environmentalist, but what else do we know? The man has been internationally famous for over twenty years, but have you ever seen him give an interview in his own kitchen? Can you imagine him allowing Access Hollywood to ride to the Oscars with him in his eco-friendly limo? Are you even able to fathom a scenario in which he would decide to let cameras film him during a therapy session?
It’s precisely because the answer to all of those questions is an emphatic “F*ck, no!” that helps someone like Leonardo DiCaprio keep his mystique – and it is precisely the total embrace of transparency and the willingness to whore out her own life that will keep someone like Kristen from ever doing anything besides starring on reality shows. It will always be this way, at least until those Siberian scientists finally figure out a way to kill this cheap television genre altogether. And yes, all of this rambling started simply because that guy asked me just how long this show could possibly last, and I think the correct answer here involves pointing at Kristen and saying, “It’ll last until that one covets pride more than she covets attention.”
I look at certain people on this show and I just know they’ll be reality TV lifers. Jax, James, Scheana, Stassi, and Kristen will get spinoffs and trudge into Marriage Boot Camp and yank hard on the rope during the tug of war on Battle of the Network Reality Stars. James will start sh*t with some illustrious costar from Chrisley Knows Best while Jax sweats and mumbles about how he wishes he could kick the ass of that random guy who was on season fifteen of Big Brother and Scheana will still be calling herself a singer when she stars on a very special episode of My Cat From Hell. This is their present and this is their future – and this, I suppose, is their choice.
Speaking of choices, this episode begins with Lisa Vanderpump choosing to dole out all sorts of responsibility to her only-periodically reliable staff. Gay Pride is upon them and she needs her workers to create a party-type atmosphere while she is off riding the official bus with the British Consulate. (Most people could never get away with saying such a sentence, but this turn of phrase rolls off of Ms. Vanderpump’s gilded tongue like she’s just ordering another cup of hot tea.) As his boss instructs them to please take this day seriously, Jax decides to verify that James – he who is now fired and forever cast away from Vanderpump Kingdom – will be nowhere on the premises. He will not be there, and it’s sort of a shame because James would probably wear that hot pink cap just as well as he wears all of his disgusting tank tops. Man, I miss that little weenie already. As for the women, they are told to put on “bodysuits” made of latex that are beyond skimpy and DEFINITELY will cause a few of them to get a bladder infection. Ariana looks f*cking amazing in that thing, though. I’m only attracted to men – although not really to any on this show, minor crush on Schwartz aside – but I’m just gonna go ahead and agree with Jax that Ariana has the perfect ass. I will, however, refrain from slurping after saying such a thing in the way Jax does because I’m not a repulsive human being. As for Lala, she’d love to try on something even skimpier than she usually wears to work, but she might have a problem because she left her house without undies. This is the sort of comment that causes Katie and Scheana’s eyes to almost roll right out of their heads and when they collect their corneas from the floor, they will be able to get back to work on the giant W they plan to sew on the front of all of Lala’s tops.
I just need to take a second and say how hilarious I find it when the entire cast – except for Stassi and Kristen, who apparently don’t have jobs – is scheduled on the same night. Since they clearly fancy themselves stars instead of servers now, I just get a kick out of watching them pretend to be common folk for the afternoon while cameras follow them and record every scintillating thing they utter. The conversations are already crackling. Sandoval, you see, has decided the cocktail book Ariana is working on could only be better if he gets involved because bartending is his passion in life. Such a statement both confuses and concerns me, but there’s no time for me to really worry about Sandoval because it’s time for Scheana to saunter up to the bar and pretend she needs something so she can do her scene with the boys. This unscripted moment is all about Scheana telling Jax and Sandoval the gossip she just heard from Stassi about how Lala’s married boyfriend’s wife found out about her husband’s affair by seeing video of the pantyless one cavorting with her man. The absolute joy on Scheana’s face as she spreads (on-camera!) rumors about infidelity is really too ironic for words, no? Anyway, Sandoval and Ariana might be the ones who will finally get to the bottom of who Lala is dating because they are planning to get drinks with Lala and her mystery guy and Scheana is already frothing at the veneered mouth as she plans how she can tell Mistress Stassi this brand new information. I tell you, the manner with which Scheana craves that girl’s acceptance makes me want to shower. With bleach.
Also: According to Sandoval, Range Rover just gives away cars sometimes. I’d like one in black.
Stassi arrives at SUR next and makes sure to ask Lala to put her in Katie’s section, preferably in a spot where their “winter bodies” won’t cause too much consternation for her fellow diners. Yes, Stassi drops this little expression right in Lala’s lap – the one with no undies – and then enjoys watching the briefly startled look come over Lala’s face because just like you and I survive on water and chocolate and caffeine, Stassi survives on conflict and confrontation alone. Lala sort of ignores her but Stassi is not left alone to rethink her insult for too long and that’s probably a good thing because I would be horribly disappointed with her choosing to hurl any follow-up insult besides, “The jerk store called and they’re all out of you!” Anyhoo, two very blonde friends of Stassi’s we’ve never met show up immediately. They all squeal hello to one another and they’re not sitting down for more than a fraction of a f*cking second before it comes out that these two are the bridge to a new Bravo show about people acting like dipsh*ts in Montauk. She might not have her very own spinoff yet, but it seems Stassi is the link from this show to the one I have already promised myself I will avoid at all costs because I already question humanity far too much for my liking. These blonde twins are heading out to Montauk for the summer and Stassi announces she’s never been to the Hamptons and since it’s going to be Her Birthday in late June, she wants to fly out and join them. She invites Katie and Scheana to come along – to someone else’s house – and manages not to point in Scheana’s face and laugh the way she so desperately wants to when Scheana admits that she has never even heard of Montauk. Anyone else see how blaringly obvious it is that Stassi so hates Scheana? It’s seriously all I can look at.
The next day, momentarily been freed from the latex, Ariana shows up at SUR before it opens so she can have some photos and instructional videos taken for her upcoming cocktail book. Sandoval is with her and it’s a good thing he’s there because he can tell her how to muddle and stir in a way that is fueled by his gigantic levels of passion for making drinks. He also volunteers to be the one to speak on camera and then he sweetens the deal by dropping trou right in front of his horrified girlfriend and the poor writer who made the unfortunate mistake of hitching herself to this rickety wagon because she foolishly thought these two people could one day make her rich. As the setup begins, Sandoval’s suggestions do nothing but annoy the sh*t out of his girlfriend; she sees right through him. She knows he wishes he had been approached to do this book and what she’d really appreciate is that he allow her to enjoy the spotlight while keeping his pants pulled way the hell up over those narrow hips of his.