In the back of the restaurant, Scheana, Katie, and Brittany discuss heading to Montauk for Stassi’s Birthday Extravaganza, but the plans are complicated when Brittany tells them she might not be able to join them. See, Ariana’s birthday is around the same time and she already mentioned maybe planning a trip of her own. This is all news to Scheana! She and Ariana were once close as sisters! Rather than speak to Ariana directly, however, Scheana will sit back and wait for an invitation to be included on Ariana’s vacation even though she can’t go because she has already made other plans and she would sooner slice out her own pancreas than ever cancel on Stassi. Speaking of slicing out organs, Lala strolls over to the table just then and mentions that she heard chatter about Montauk. As Katie stares daggers at the chick who has called her fat for the better part of a year, Scheana makes the probably grave mistake of speaking full words to Lala. Some of those words are about how they can’t be at Stassi’s thing and Ariana’s at the same time, but Lala is a girl with many solutions. They should just fly private, she recommends. And sure, she tells Scheana, she can get them a jet. Wait: is some company giving away free jets, too?
Poor Lala. It’s not her fault that she has a problem flying with regular people in some large tube in the sky! How could she not suck off rich gentlemen so she can travel without the general public? This is all really just an example of her having high standards and being exceedingly classy, okay?
After the photo shoot, Ariana and Sandoval meet up with Lala for a drink and some very important information comes out quickly. First, Lala is planning only to cover her nipples with tassels during Gay Pride and she’s also finally being invited along on a trip with her coworkers. She’s made the cut to come to Ariana’s birthday – the one where they are going to watch a NASCAR race in Sonoma – and while there will be plenty of time for them to discuss all of the secrets of Lala’s relationship as those cars whizz down the tracks, Sandoval decides to bring it up here that there are all sorts of stories flying about as to who Lala is dating. The girl will not release the man’s name, and with the manner in which she’s holding this information so closely to her tasseled chest, there’s no way the guy is not married or pretend-separated or ninety years old with a faulty pacemaker or Ryan Gosling. Listen, I too would prefer to play 20 Questions in order to find out the actual identity of this guy also (Question 17: How much do you hate yourself after the jet flies away and you’re left rubbing Neosporin on your chafed knees?), but instead we are forced to revisit just how badly Sandoval wants to be the star of Ariana’s book.
“You’re not going to take away attention from me,” Ariana states bluntly, her words as hard as her tushy – and then she f*cking doubles downs when Sandoval rolls his eyes at her and she responds, “Don’t f*cking roll your eyes at me, you f*cking bitch.”
The little bitch stares at her with his eyebrow twitching and then explains that everyone (Jax! Scheana! His mom!) asked why it would be Ariana of all people who was asked to do a book and not him, the man who loves bartending more than the sun and the moon and the air – nay, more than even life itself! F*ck all that love, though; Ariana’s not budging on this one.
Also: the commercials for the new virtual realty headset thing makes it look like people are having orgasms in front of a riveted crowd. Lala would like two of them for Christmas.
But now it’s time to move on from nonsense to something with legitimate stakes. The attack at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando left fifty people dead and those people were targeted simply for being part of the LGBTQ community. The fear and despair of such a brutal event is coloring the L.A. Gay Pride event because how could it not? There’s a genuine danger now inherent in being in a public place during a large event that so many have a problem with even occurring in the first place and so many lives have already been lost. Lisa is emotional and so is Katie, but Lisa believes the day must go on and she wants to be a part of showing her support. She explains that she will not hold it against Katie if she decides not to work that day because she realizes Katie is feeling anxious and people just react in different ways during emotionally traumatic situations.
Helicopters fly overhead, more SUR employees announce they will not be showing up due to the inherent danger, and texts are rolling in about a man who was stopped on Santa Monica Boulevard with a cache of guns. Meanwhile, Lala’s mother called to tell her that neither she nor her Range Rover can go anywhere near the Gay Pride parade so she’s one of the people staying home and she will just have to wear her pasties and tassels next time she goes to the dry cleaner or to the doctor to pick up some Penicillin. In another apartment, Katie, Schwartz, Stassi and Sandoval gather and ruminate over how very scary this world has become and how senseless all this vitriol and violence truly is. “As though they haven’t been oppressed enough,” Schwartz says – and that kind of sentiment solidifies why I kind of love him. All of it, though – all of the murder and all of the terrifying possibilities that are only growing – have gotten to this group and they sit there and drink some wine and they cry real tears because this isn’t some bullsh*t fake fight about someone dating a guy who may or may not be married. This is haunting. This misery is real.
Back at a very empty SUR, Peter calls the staff to see if anyone is still planning to come into work. He gets a lot of voicemails, but one person who fully shows up is Lisa Vanderpump. She boards that British bus, the one not protected by any sort of bulletproof shield, because she is defiant in her fury and her sadness. “That’s what today is all about,” she explains. “It’s about standing up for what you believe in.” The woman is a goddess.
Sandoval decides that if Lisa can be brave enough to ride in a float under such circumstances, he can certainly show up for work. He’s not the only one. Jax and Brittany also walk in because Brittany told Jax that they need to show their support and Ariana makes her way there, too. At some point, Sandoval and Ariana take a break from serving drinks to apologize to one another for the fight they had over the book and while I don’t condone calling one’s boyfriend “a little bitch” – especially when it is recorded in high-definition for posterity – I do think this couple is well suited for one another.
Adorable as always, Schwartz shows up at Gay Pride in a backwards baseball hat, a look I can’t help but love on boys because it reminds me fondly of being in smoky fraternity house basements. He’s proud to live in West Hollywood and he’s proud to support this event and he’s so sunny and positive that I really hope he doesn’t have a nervous breakdown before his own wedding.
Also: Ariana sticks a bit of lemon peel in between her ass cheeks and then serves it to Schwartz in a rink before Sandoval humps Schwartz’s head, so really, in spite of everything, it’s just another day at SUR.
And now, because the nation has not yet been through enough, we are thrown into James’ apartment for the guy’s first scene of the night. He’s alone and playing maudlin chords on the keyboard that he keeps outside of the screen he pretends is a bedroom door. Lala shows up so the two of them can make music, but before they can create something James will insist is a masterpiece, Lala informs him that Jax will be attending Ariana’s birthday. This information causes whatever artistic synapses exist in the confines of James’ brain to spark and sputter and he lashes out at Ariana for killing the mood he had going on, but she’s not about to listen to his bullsh*t on a day when she feels stressed because she’s still reeling from her newest breakup with the man I’m betting you anything she calls “Daddy.”
Back at PUMP, Lisa makes an impassioned speech thanking those who still came out amidst so many security threats for showing their commitment and their strength and their courage. It’s a nice moment, and not just because it in no way involves James’ face. She eventually makes her way back over to SUR where Sandoval is shirtless and dancing on the bar. He jumps down to tell Lisa how proud he is of her for getting on that float and for being so good and so brave, and dammit if my eyes didn’t fill with tears as because what he said was so clearly genuine.
“I love you, Lisa,” Sandoval says.
“I love you, too,” she responds with a smile.
And you know what? I believe both of them.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.