Vanderpump Rules Recap – 1/30/17

Speaking of The Prick, he’s across town meeting with his mother. He’s been avoiding the woman somewhat as of late because the destruction of his parents’ marriage makes him uncomfortable, but maybe part of the reason he’s been reluctant to see his mother is because he’s also been trying to avoid telling her that he was canned from PUMP because of his repulsive behavior. Upon hearing the news that her offspring is so repellant that he’s not fit to stand in a dark corner of a bar and spin records, his mother is annoyed and James reacts just as you’d expect he would. He turns away and doesn’t meet her eye, but then all of a sudden we get a little window into why James is the way that he is. See, his mother mentions that probably the reason James is caught up in so many conflicts is because of the huge pangs of jealousy people experience the minute this monster with a chin ass walks into a room. “I’m definitely a threat,” James agrees – and I have to wonder how he can really say this with a straight face. The guy weighs a hundred pounds dripping wet. He looks like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead. He is a DJ in Los Angeles, one of several trillion DJs in Los Angeles. This is a harsh thing to say, but the guy isn’t special and maybe he’d be less of a walking horror show if someone – like his mother – actually told him so. Of course, perhaps I will be proven wrong. Maybe the guy’s first performance where he’ll be onstage rapping (yes, my friends, Christmas just came early!) will prove the guy’s a musical genius. Or maybe he will fall off the stage drunk on the off chance that the hypnotherapy doesn’t actually work. In any case, James also wants his mommy to know that things with him and Raquel could not be going better in spite of Kristen’s insistence on trying to spread rumors about how he’s unfaithful and his mother’s response is to tell him that Kristen will meet her karma and that karma will apparently involve being barren. Hey, James’ mom? What do you think your kid’s karma should be? And if God is taking requests here, I’m more than fine with him shooting blanks until the very end of time.

In the, well, let’s call it “the afterglow” of Jax’s roast, Brittany’s mother has some questions for the man of the hour. She’s getting ready to head back to Kentucky and she appears uncomfortable about leaving her daughter in the arms of a man who has cheated on every girl he’s ever dated, to say nothing about the tales involving him and other men. Jax arrives home and sits on his couch and maintains that no, he is not a homosexual, and the farthest he’s ever gone with a guy involved a chaste kiss on the cheek and she can either take his word for it or choose not to. Now, not for one single solitary second do I believe Jax here, but since I think Brittany’s mother should be far more concerned with the fact that her daughter is on a reality show and projecting her life to the world and sleeping beside a kleptomaniac who could win an award for profuse sweating, I’m taking Jax’s side on this one. There’s way more important sh*t for Brittany’s mom to be concerned about, y’all, like the way Jax finally gets up and stalks away while announcing that he’s taken care of Brittany for well over a year while she’s done nothing besides recline on their sofa. Then he slams the door and leaves. While I’ve never particularly subscribed to the notion that my mother should call any of the shots in my personal life since I’m an adult and I’m stubborn and making my own tragic mistakes is the kind of sh*t that, at the very least, provides me with good writing material, I’m still willing to concede that, had my boyfriend just behaved in that sort of horrific manner, I’d kind of understand if my mother bound me, gagged me, and hauled my ass off to hypnotherapy, too.

When Jax eventually returns home, the psychotic side of him decides to take over completely. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” he explains to his girlfriend’s conservative mother with the doorknocker earrings. “But sometimes she needs to realize what she has.” You guys? If my boyfriend ever said even a fraction of that sentence in front of any member of my family – including my 6.4 pound Maltipoo – his body would wind up in a shallow grave while said Maltipoo danced a jig as the soil that was thrown on top of the ditch made its way into the guy’s lungs and esophagus. Jax declares to Brittany’s mother that the real problem has nothing to do with him being a prehistoric Neanderthal piece of dangling goat sh*t, but that Brittany is now standing up for herself. It was just so much nicer before Brittany grew a backbone, you see, and Jax is actually moronic and nasty enough to point that idea out to the girl’s mother. Really – my family would have annihilated this f*cker on the spot.

Also: Brittany’s mom has an awesome solution to all of this hideousness and it involves Jax stopping by a church. Maybe she should go back to the drawing board on that one.

Over at Sur, there’s a painting party going on except nobody is really having any fun. Katie is there and she’s rolling some sort of lavender paint on the wall and she vents to Lisa about the way her bridesmaids are fighting. Meanwhile, Schwartz has taken his groomsmen to get fitted for suits. They arrive and request a slim fit for the big day, but the guy at the store – who needs to be given a raise immediately – takes one look at Jax and tells him he needs a more “athletic fit.” We find out for the first time that Schwartz will be decked out in forest green for his wedding and I could react to that I guess, but he’s cute enough to pull off that color and all I really care about is whether or not I’m going to win my bet that Katie keeps in her nose ring for the ceremony and maybe also stays sober until after the vows are complete.

While the boys pick out suits and Jax considers bulimia, Katie’s bridesmaids get together and Scheana immediately forks over the money that was previously demanded of her because she doesn’t want to be killed in her sleep. And now that the finances are settled, it’s time to discuss the bachelorette party, an event that cannot possibly go wrong even when the bride-to-be gets herself hammered while the entire thing is filmed by high-definition cameras. Stassi suggests they head to New Orleans, an idea that sounds kind of great, but Scheana is nervous that heading to the place Stassi is from will mean she’ll end up controlling the entire thing. Scheana, dear? First of all, I personally would like nothing more than for someone else to plan every aspect of a weekend away so I don’t have to worry my pretty little head about any details besides what I should wear and who I have to hand money to and I’m going to suggest that you embrace that mindset because it’s actually fun not to be in control sometimes. Second of all, Stassi is going to take over anyway and studies have shown that you’re going to let her, so just sit back and let it happen because it’s highly unlikely you’re actually going to commit to taking a stand now.

Also: the bridesmaids have their own cheer.

Also: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Since the details of where she’ll be getting drunk and telling her fiancé that she hates him are now set in stone, it’s time for Katie to meet with Lisa so she can get some suggestions about the kind of flowers they’ll have at the wedding. While they select blossoms, Katie explains to Lisa that she and Schwartz had yet another screaming fight the other night and Lisa is understandably concerned that two people who fight so dirty and so often are getting married so very soon.

As Lisa attempts to explain that marriage shouldn’t be so vicious, Sandoval sits in James’ apartment while they wait for the therapist to arrive. James is nervous because he’s a guy unaccustomed to the concept of self-improvement, but Sandoval wants him to calm down and realize that this experience is all about James trying to become the very best person he can possibly be. Sandoval is being very serene and comforting here and all I can think as I watch him project kindness unto a douchebag is how much I want him to run far away from this show eventually and take Ariana with him and never look back and never even watch this show in the dead of night and to always refrain from feeding Jax after midnight. The therapist shows up and James is somewhat unsure about what to expect, especially since last year he had to go through the nonsense of sitting beside Kristen as she nodded sagely about the healing powers of crystals while continuing to behave like an unhinged madwoman, but he’s open to the process. When the therapist asks him what it is that he wants, James explains that he wants to make music and he also really wants people to see him differently and not view him as just that guy with the perfect hair. This moron actually says that sentence and I commend the therapist for not turning directly to the camera and asking for a raise on the spot.

Since they’re friends again, Scheana and Ariana go to the stables together. Ariana has loved horses her entire life and I’m going to admit that I teared up when she talked about losing her horse, Raven, who had been one of the dearest friends she ever had. (As someone who had to put my eighteen-year-old dog down last year, I know that pain and I empathize madly.) Scheana watches Ariana do her jumping and Sandoval shows up and admires his girlfriend and the whole thing is so normal and lovely that I almost thought I’d accidentally turned on PBS.

In a far less idyllic place than a horse farm, Katie and Schwartz show up at a lawyer’s office so they can draw up a pre-nup. As he’s a sporadically-employed underwear model who always wears a shirt in photos and she runs a style blog while wearing outfits that make me crave blindness, I’m not quite sure what it is they’re planning on trying to protect here. They sit across from a lawyer who looks, um, very casual and they announce that they own no property and there’s very little money they have saved and I honestly don’t know why they are doing this, so I can only imagine this was some dare a producer thought up while everyone was drunk one night and nobody thought he’d be able to convince these two to actually go ahead and get a pre-nup when they have no money and now that producer is celebrating his winnings in Vegas with Jax’s pregnant stripper on his lap.

Across town, Scheana is hanging out with Ellie. Here’s all I think we need to understand about Ellie:

1. She hooked up with James voluntarily.
2. She then went on national television and announced that she hooked up with James voluntarily.
3. She thinks it’s a very good idea to show up where James is performing so she can make him as uncomfortable as is humanly possible.
4. Ellie is a sh*tty person.