Vanderpump Rules Recap – 12/19/16

December 20th, 2016 | No Comments | Posted in Vanderpump Rules - Season 5

After she stuffs six orders of those goat cheese balls in her purse, Stassi heads out to the alley so she can talk some sh*t about her friends with Katie. And just like that, like a gift from the sparkling skies of heaven, Katie drops the info into Stassi’s hungry lap that Scheana sort of apologized to Lala. The reaction Stassi has at first is purely nonverbal; it looks like she’s having sort of a full-body dry heave overtake her. But then her mouth regains control and she jumps right on this because here’s her chance to finally destroy Scheana and she absolutely feels like she has every right to rip the girl to f*cking shreds because, in Stassi’s regression-fueled mind, Scheana apologizing to Lala for anything – including that time she accidentally stepped on her toe – is akin to a Manson victim apologizing to the cult’s leader. Stassi, sweetheart? Scheana brushing Lala aside with a blanket bullsh*t apology about one lone matter is not exactly the same thing as a victim who had a fork jammed into his stomach before his blood was used to scrawl misspelled words on his refrigerator apologizing to his tormentors. Learn to land your analogies better, okay? Anyhoo, Stassi texts Scheana right away to ream her out and she makes sure her texts are written only in capital letters and I seriously want to travel back in time and smack the sh*t out of the first group of adolescent minions who allowed Stassi to get away with this sort of sh*t. Anyone know where I can find a flux capacitor?

Over at Jax and Brittany’s apartment the next day, the two discuss Jax’s upcoming appearance on Stassi’s podcast and Brittany explains that she’s fine with it happening, but she can’t not be just a little uncomfortable because Stassi and Jax used to be a couple. I get it; exes getting together is the kind of thing that creates concerns, but Jax tries to reiterate that even if he and Brittany were not together, he would never go back to Stassi. In fact, he likens their former relationship to the movie Misery and I for one would like to see them act out that hobbling scene in close-up and I don’t care one f*cking bit who gets to swing the axe and who has to lie on that bed with the wooden plank shoved between their legs.

Scheana comes over next and immediately grabs herself a drink because the influx of nasty texts she received the night before from Stassi and Katie have knocked her for a loop. Katie’s last stream of consciousness drunken ramble ended with her telling Scheana that Scheana repulses her and it’s followed by a string of ironic clapping emojis because Katie fully sucks and Scheana just doesn’t quite know what to do. Scheana, honey? What you should do is quit working at SUR and make some new friends who actually like you. Until you’re able to make that happen though, feel free to sit there and fight with the same people you’ve been fighting with for years. While Scheana tries to get advice – Lord, from Jax – Stassi shows up at Katie and Schwartz’s apartment and finds them fighting about the escalating budget of their wedding. Stassi waits patiently on the couch so the two almost-newlyweds can have a moment to quietly remind themselves just how much they cannot stand one another, but that moment passes and soon Kristen shows up, too. And why has Kristen been called over to an apartment filled with people who are supposed to be grown-ups? Well, Stassi wants to make sure Kristen hears in person about Scheana’s stunning act of betrayal, the one that never actually transpired. These girls suck.

“She was being asked by Ariana to pick a side and she chose one,” Stassi sums up completely inaccurately, but who cares about accuracy when these three girls thrive on a codependent friendship powered by midday beer and the mutual desire to have someone – anyone – to target? Meanwhile, back at Jax’s, Scheana is despondent that she will never be seen as doing the right thing when this moronic coven is acting as her tribunal and Jax agrees with her while also using Gandhi’s name when he meant to refer to Nostradamus.

And now that he’s screwed up the names of historical figures, it’s time for Jax to be on Stassi’s podcast. Since he’s clearly mildly uncomfortable sitting so close to his ex-girlfriend without feeling her up, he does what he always does in such a situation: he spills a secret as quickly as he possibly can. He tells Stassi that Scheana was just over at his house complaining that she’s being targeted by a bunch of mean girls – an expression Scheana never used – and now that the ice is broken from throwing Scheana on top of it with a hefty fucking thud, he’s now ready to discuss being a sociopath. He readily admits that he used to be a douchebag, but he’s somewhat okay with that kind of douche-y past because had he not been a douchebag back then, he wouldn’t be who he is today – which is a douchebag. Anyway, they pick up their microphones and Jax first explains that most men cheat down and that who they cheat with has almost nothing to do with the looks of a girl. Instead, what seemed to drive him was that he wanted to always reiterate to himself that he hadn’t lost his ability to snag anything with a vagina and he admits he probably never really cared back then about other peoples’ feelings. “Would you be willing to take a sociopath quiz?” Stassi asks, and his responses to most of the questions are exactly what you’d think they would be, and even though I’m pleased to report he does not think love is overrated, the results come back that he is a Hannibal Lector type of sociopath! Truth be told, based on those questions alone, I might very well be a sociopath, too. F*ck. Jax and I might be soulmates. If I can get him to use an industrial type of deodorant every morning, we might really have a shot in hell at making it.

The next day it’s time for the big surprise party and the girls show up to decorate even though they all seem to want to murder one another. While Stassi, Katie, and Kristen dump bottles of cheap alcohol into an inflatable baby pool because this is an extremely classy event, Scheana stays away so she can try to avoid the emotional carnage that’s about to hit her straight in the face. There’s no avoiding it for long, but they will wait to fully destroy her until after the big surprise. I suppose we could stop for a moment and discuss how screwed up it is to throw an alcohol-drenched party for someone who is in recovery, but let’s not even bother because way more essential than Shay’s sobriety is how happy Sandoval, Schwartz, and Jax are to check out one another’s nipples while they wade in the shallow end. These are three men who are very comfortable with their bodies – and with one another’s bodies. But all of this homoeroticism is really just a preamble for the fury three drunk girls are planning to unleash on Scheana, a girl so frazzled that she is willing to apologize for sins she never committed in the first place just so she will not be cut from this bizarre friendship quilt made out of cheap hair extensions and the tears of all the girls who came before her. Luckily, Kristen is there to try to mend things in the way she always claims to do because somewhere in between people diagnosing her as schizophrenic and bipolar, she decided to diagnose herself as a nurture/caretaker.

While Scheana braces herself for the pummeling that’s coming her way, Schwartz sits quietly with Shay to express the doubts he has about his upcoming wedding, especially the financial part of it. The whole thing is sad to watch. Schwartz uses words like “pain” – and he tries to use the word “cynicism” but it doesn’t quite work out – to discuss the wedding and the marriage and I hope these two make it because I am not paid nearly enough to actively root against them, but I’m not feeling so optimistic.

Also: In cased anyone is keeping track, this week we have been privy to Jax discussing the fortunetelling merits of Gandhi, Schwartz learning the word “cynicism,” and Brittany Googling the definition of “sociopath” and deciding those are the sorts of traits she can happily live with. So whoever says this show is not good for at least a few teachable moments can seriously suck it. And speaking of sucking it, does anyone know where Lala is?

Back at the party, Scheana’s eyes are still filled with tears and Stassi’s are still rimmed with hatred. The sticking point revolves around Stassi deciding Scheana is disloyal and it all manifests with her screaming, “Stand up for something!” while they sit at a rickety table in some backyard. Requiring some backup, Scheana asks Ariana to please explain to Stassi what actually happened since she was there, but Stassi is not about to listen to logic from some girl who has not even once plotted to murder Lala and then bury her somewhere beside the freeway. I mean, if you’re loyal to Katie – who somehow was anointed Queen for reasons I will never be able to explain or even fathom – then you must want her enemies dead and anyone who says she wants to f*ck Schwartz after he finally leaves Katie is nothing but an enemy, which I suppose means I should also maybe consider hiring some ‘round the clock security to keep me safe.

Stasi eventually storms off in a torrent of tears because she is so concerned about the wellbeing of Katie, a girl she gleefully sliced from her life for well over a year. She enters a bathroom, collapses on the floor in the fetal position, and cries, “They suck!” over and over again and into this ridiculous scene Katie wanders. Upon seeing Stassi’s overwhelming (and totally insane) swell of emotion spilled on her account, Katie is delighted. She eventually peels Stassi off the floor and guides her into a room where Scheana also ends up in a room and Stassi bellows, “Stop being a bitch! Stop being an assh*le!” directly in her face and not a bit of me understands how Scheana hasn’t stopped this conversation by pointing at them at laughing and then telling them to go f*ck themselves for good.

The entire fight is a sh*tshow starring boring people and my only hope is that one day Stassi invites Lala to be a guest on her podcast so the two of them can debate exactly what it means to be a vapid and pathetic narcissist.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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