There’s nothing that can f*ck up a vacation more than a lack of compatibility amongst the people you’re traveling with. You know what I mean. Like, sometimes you want to be at the bar until four in the morning because you’ve been talking to that scruffy guy who looks vaguely homeless but you know he’s not because you caught a glimpse of his Prada boots and you’ve found out he’s seen Springsteen play almost as many times as you have and he’s been touching you lightly on the lower back for the last forty minutes in a way that doesn’t make you want to shimmy out of your skin just so you can wash it in bleach and then the friend you’re with announces that it’s time for you to accompany her back to the hotel. (I’m just spitballing here, not recounting an actual experience with a friend who is now dead to me and one of the hottest men I’ve ever seen in real life. Also, hey Jason!) What I mean is that people … Continue reading →

Much like any other person who went away to college and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to sleep in cramped rooms with strangers, exist for months at a time on starch and seasoning packets alone, and broaden my burgeoning intellect, I learned many important life lessons during those four formative years:

• When you live in a dorm, make sure you shower in flip-flops. There is perhaps no fungus on the planet with as much chutzpah as the fungus that lives between the tiles in a communal bathroom and since you will need your extra money to buy chicken wings and ramen, you really don’t want to have to waste your precious funds on spray cans of Tinactin. • No matter how beautifully your Big Sister decorated the bottle of cheap champagne she bought you with puffy paint and your sorority letters, that bottle of cheap champagne should still be viewed for exactly what it is: a liquid demonic entity. And should you guzzle it, you will be lying facedown in the bushes outside … Continue reading →